Nov 17 2008

Contest #21: Post-Apocalyptic Classifieds Ad

Category: Uncategorized @ 1:12 am

For this contest you must imagine you are living in a post apocalyptic world. In this world, the apocalypse was caused by a zombie outbreak that spanned the globe but was eventually quelled…mostly. Our story involves you discovering that there are still some zombies in the wilderness surrounding your town.

The contest this week is to write a classifieds ad that will find someone who will help you eradicate the zombie infestation. The trick is that you can’t be obvious about what you need. If the government goons spot your ad and think there’s an outbreak, they’ll nuke the whole region. You must get the right person for the job without revealing your predicament.

Limitations: Imagine you are posting this ad in the surviving regional newspaper. It can be any kind of classified ad (garage sale, personals, help wanted, etc) as long as it has the goals described above. You must be succinct. You are allowed no more than 3 lines, each with no more than 10 words per line.

Standard contest timeline and contest rules apply this week. By leaving an entry you are agreeing to those rules. The entry voted the favorite by MM users will earn its author Max Brooks’ The Zombie Survival Guide & their choice of a $15 Amazon.com gift certificate OR a $20 gift certificate to the MM Online Store.

Contest Summary
Assignment
: Write a classifieds ad covertly seeking help with zombie eradication
How to enter: Post your ad in the Contest Entries section 
Deadline: Friday, November 21st at 5pm EST
Prize: choice of gift certificate and Max Brooks’ The Zombie Survival Guide.

Photo by Flickr user Dr_Doom

Announcement: This contest is closed. Feel free to continue to leave your answers here, but you'll be doing so strictly for our edification. Why don't you see what's going on in the forum or check out the latest update or contest?

148 Responses to “Contest #21: Post-Apocalyptic Classifieds Ad”

  1. pennydreadful Says:
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    Wanted: someone to assist with special project.
    Must be good at street dancing (i.e. blending)
    and demonstrate superior athletic skills.

  2. Jakutz Says:
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    NEED petting ZOo animals for My son’s BIrthday party wEdnesday. looKIng for LLamas, Iguanas, and otheR child-friendly animalS. come armed in case the animals get out of control.

  3. Jakutz Says:
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    Need safari guide to help hunt most dangerous game.
    Bring enough ammo to take down an entire herd.

  4. Jakutz Says:
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    Position open temporarily for garbage man in Racoon City.
    Big bucks for someone who can take out the trash.
    Must be willing to be handle rotting sacks of meat.

  5. etmoose Says:
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    HELP WANTED: Pest control. Fast growing field once thought obsolete.
    Brainy, competitive, individuals living locally encouraged to apply.
    Position is temporary. Contact: (555) 966-2437. Ask for Ash.

  6. jupchu Says:
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    Lost Dog: Walks on hind legs, hairless,loves human flesh
    Meet at 12 Georgia Drive to search in woods
    Bring guns, axes, bats, chainsaws (some of his favorite toys)

  7. etmoose Says:
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    CASTING CALL: George Romero seeks actors for new film.
    Previous action-role experience and stunt work a plus.
    Method actors preferred. Provide your own props.

  8. jupchu Says:
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    Highly contagious, ill-behaved kids in need of sitter
    Military experience preferred, no cleaning, cooking or housework required
    May use whatever means necessary to bring kids under control

  9. Lisa Badalamenti Says:
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    Imagining to live in a post apocalyptic world is really very difficult. The contest seems to be tough as people find it very impossible. Anyways as the contest is given people who are going to participate have to be very careful.

  10. greg Says:
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    Thriller at Love Canal?
    MJ’s MO’s a no-go.
    Up to our armpits in cats.

  11. greg Says:
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    Cold DWF looking for stiff DWM.
    Must really dig composting.
    IPC 9876543 FYI – TTFN

  12. Jakutz Says:
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    Help wanted: Experienced handyman with high-powered leaf blower.
    Must be able to BLOW AWAY anything.
    Must have experience with boarding windows and doors.

  13. greg Says:
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    HANDYMAN NEEDED: Please be well-versed in rites of exorcism,
    voo-doo, incantations and their counters, and antedotes.
    Many odd-jobs needing attention.

  14. greg Says:
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    YARD SALE
    Come get whatever you can dig up.
    Everything must go.

  15. greg Says:
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    Saw you at the gym. Thought we connected maybe?
    Did you say your name was VanHelsing? PLMK-ASAP!
    Dying to see you again…

  16. greg Says:
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    ESTATE SALE:
    Sold Grandma’s and Grandpa’s wardrobes and furniture already.
    Now we need to get them and their “friends” out of the house.

  17. greg Says:
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    McCain-Palin signs still in my neighborhood. It’s like they
    DON’T KNOW THE CAMPAIGN IS OVER…need help to “clean up” and
    “convince” them that their “time has passed.”

  18. greg Says:
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    easePlay elpHay eMay!
    Upay oTay yMay Assay inay ombiesZay!
    Usay isthay ecretSay odeCay oTay iteWray ackBay!

  19. greg Says:
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    TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: Feeling lost and lonely?
    Feeling like life has passed you by? Maybe it has.
    Go into the light! The light is good! Be the light!

  20. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    Lifelong Democrat has seen the light: NO MORE OBAMA-NATIONS.
    Seeks party of Cheney-types who value their conservative brains.
    Let’s form a shoot-old-friends-in-the-face posse.

  21. greg Says:
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    LOST & FOUND
    Have you lost a crypt-ful of loved ones or otherwise deceased?
    We think we found them, and we’d like to give them back.

  22. greg Says:
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    GOP virtually the “Undead of Capitol Hill”
    Major zombie infestation and war spreads over D.C.
    Go ahead! Nuke away!

  23. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    ♪ HER EYES ARE CLEAR AND BRIGHT, BUT SHE’S NOT THERE.
    IF SHE TEMPTS YOU WITH HER CHARMS, TELL HER NONONONONO.
    (Contact me) TO SHOW YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO LIVE. ♪

  24. Alex Says:
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    Need assistance and equipment for ballistics experiments on melons.
    Bring anything that can break or blow-up thick pulp.
    May need to hit slow moving target.

  25. Alex Says:
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    Join us for rugged wilderness survival outing and skeet shoot.
    All gauges welcome, BYOAmmo.
    Call Big Bob: 555-BLAM.

  26. Alex Says:
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    Testing prototype lifelike automaton targets
    Want to see how much damage they can take
    Will pay for ammo

  27. David Says:
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    Iway avehay Ombieszay.
    oday otnay elltay overnmentgay
    ingbray ammoway


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    Says:
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    Boy, am I glad the government got rid of the zombies!
    Yep, just like they helped us after the hurricane!
    Yessir, just like that! !PLEH DNES

  29. R.E.D. Says:
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    BARTENDER NEEDED: Must be skilled at making such exotic drinks
    as: Walking Dead, Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore,
    Rotting Flesh and Kill The Zombie. Lots of returning customers.

  30. R.E.D. Says:
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    YARD WORK: Senator from Illinois desperately needed
    to clean up a mess made by a fallen bush.
    Knowing the difference between a rake and WMDs a must!

  31. R.E.D. Says:
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    Bush is a zombie, right?

  32. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    DESPERATELY SEEKING SARAH for a night on the living town:
    John Connor type seeks Sarah Connor types for undying attention.
    Palin types, too — bring moose gun (wink wink, you betcha).

  33. Gabriel Says:
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    wha?

  34. dana Says:
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    Entertainment: Free to experienced marksmen.
    Hunting expedition, rare species, no limit on kills.
    Take out your daily frustrations on a “deserving” species.

  35. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    ♪ With his tanks and his bombs,
    And his bombs and his guns,
    In his head, in his head, brains he’s craving! ♪
    _____
    [adapted from The Cranberries, "Zombie" ;) ]

  36. erumpeltin Says:
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    HELP WANTED: Cemetery seeks able bodied men and women to
    recover lost property. Must have, but not like brains. Ability
    to keep your head a plus. Call for details. (212) 555 1212

  37. vlad Says:
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    Wha+2? Are zombies protected by hate speech guidelines?

  38. vlad Says:
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    ISO, sof 2 86 re aunt I mated.

  39. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    I believe the proper term is Undead-Americans.

  40. erumpeltin Says:
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    HELP WANTED: Recently elected chief exec with no experience seeks
    advice from all former clinton staff. Good morals not needed.
    Ability to get a security clearance not needed. (212) 456 1414

  41. Lisa Frick Says:
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    Personal Ad: Looking to meet a strong, athletic, and intellegent individual. Must be interested in politics and world affairs. Also, someone with an understanding of agriculture and recycling.

  42. Stevel Knievel Says:
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    you spelled killers wrong

  43. erumpeltin Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +18

    HELP NEEDED: Need help exterminating some bees I found in
    my woods. Experience with some bees is a plus. Must
    have own tools. Apply in person. (212) 555 1212

  44. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    Nice — reminds me of the time I kissed Resusci Anne.
    We should all get together for a reanimation festival (and maybe some graphic RPG’s). :grin:

  45. tatertotmd Says:
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    wanted- self defense expert to teach avoidance of homeless and work as a bodyguard when walking in homeless territory.must have some form of insurance in case said homeless try to adopt u into their lives of depravity and depression.

  46. Gabriel Says:
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    Poor unsuspecting bee keeper.

  47. David Says:
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    This is exactly what a zombie would write

  48. nmrboy Says:
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    Wanted: people who love ‘Alone in the Dark’ AND Live-Action Roleplay. Must like both. BOTH. Reply now before it’s too late, and avoid the crowds (outside my house)! Come dressed to kill.

  49. rudolfs001 Says:
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    Wanted:
    Someone with experience with the following tools:
    Chainsaw, Shotgun, Machete, and Hammers.
    My lawn needs cutting, it’s practically a forest.


  50. Notice: Trying to get property of non-object in /home/content/62/9540362/html/mentalmagma/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 28
    Says:
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    Rob Z. in concert
    FREE!
    No SECURITY!

  51. erumpeltin Says:
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    yeah, you might say he got caught in a sting operation.

  52. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    M4M:

    Dominant type needed in my region. Interested in intense hardcore
    group action? Let’s rile up those pesky neighbors. MUST be
    packing AND Disease Free! No exceptions! Stamina and toys a +++

  53. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    i remember when “some pig” got caught up in a web of intrigue

  54. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    … and sometimes they say things like:

    “My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars.”

    (Sarah Palin)

  55. R.E.D. Says:
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    Are you saying SomeGuyNamedDoug is a zomb…uh…Undead-American?

  56. Sherry Baker Says:
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    Sexy recent widow with problem ex ISO heroic military hunk
    in shining armor. Looks unimportant, but brains a must.
    Prefer someone who uses protection. Ask for Dawn.

  57. vlad Says:
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    All the letters for undead are found within NamedDoug. Coincidence?

  58. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    Private homeowner in need of landscaping work. Hedges, tree limbs, and weeds encroaching on property. Will provide hedge trimmers and saws for limb-removal. All other equipment must be provided by applicant. Long job that will require several weeks work. Will provide room & board as well as pay for medical expenses. Applicants must be prepared to work at night and must be comfortable with disposal of waste materials.

  59. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    WANTED: “Later Years” Michael Jackson impersonators for rendition of the music-video, Thriller. Be prepared to work with inexperienced and slightly-uncoordinated extras. Must be cool under pressure and skilled at dealing with swarming fans. Bonus awarded to those who work until morning.

  60. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    Whoops. Forgot the length rule! XD

  61. Zabo Says:
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    WANTED: BRAAAAIIINNNSSS.

    Please deliver to edge of forest; brains up front, pay later.

  62. Zabo Says:
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    alternatively, the more convincing:

    Get paid for free psychological survey!
    RELIVE memories of lost friends. May cause mess,
    wear old clothes, bring tools for cleanup.

  63. fyrtygr Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    Lost cat: still not fixed, needs spade.
    Last seen in Greenlawn Cemetery.
    Please assist in re-locating. 555.1212

  64. Zabo Says:
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    SELLING: Babylonian and Sumerian Texts
    FOR RENT: Cabin in TN mts., sleeps 6

  65. Soleil Says:
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    SILENT HILL 5 BETA TESTERS WANTED
    Skilled players only; athletics a plus; bring your own chainsaws
    Gameplay described as “intense” and “engaging”, with “mind-blowing realism”!

  66. Iaoai Says:
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    USED AM Z12 VANQUISH
    Runs great. All original parts.
    Blows away all the competition!
    If interested, CALL-555-4357.


  67. Notice: Trying to get property of non-object in /home/content/62/9540362/html/mentalmagma/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 28
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    Rogue mavericks in my back yard chanting “Change in 2012″
    Will not tolerate another three-and-a-half-year campaign
    Stopping it now, when it’s young, is our only hope.


  68. Notice: Trying to get property of non-object in /home/content/62/9540362/html/mentalmagma/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 28
    Says:
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    HALO-4
    call now

  69. Thebiggamer Says:
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    Single male looking for female companion to carve a life with:

    Requirements:
    18-21 years old
    Athletic, martial arts training is a bonus
    Comfort handling firearms is a must, lots of hunting coming up
    Must be fertile as I want to start a family
    Already in possession of camping equipment would be nice
    A pet dog is a bonus

  70. Jakutz Says:
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    Wow, yeah I was just looking at that before I read your comment. Lol. I was just thinking “What is wrong with my brain?” I’m going to try to play it off like this – the government would have caught on if it said “Need zombie killers” in caps, so I had to encrypt it a little more. Does anybody buy that?

  71. Jakutz Says:
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    I think you’re on to something. Maybe SGND should be disqualified because we can’t be sure of his true motives.

  72. Jakutz Says:
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    nice

  73. Jakutz Says:
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    Bad roommate? Feel like you’re living with Resident Evil?
    Have neighbors who moan at night or beg for munchies?
    Vacant bedroom since last month, still vacant 28 days later.

  74. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    heh heh – you said “crypt”


  75. Notice: Trying to get property of non-object in /home/content/62/9540362/html/mentalmagma/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 28
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    Mental Magma 42, Vlad! Mental Magma 42, Vlad!
    Z-Left, Z-Right, Jakutz-Zabo Right-Left-Right
    BunnySlippers! BunnySlippers!

  76. Guh3 Says:
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    FOR SALE: Shotgun. Never used.
    555-5309

  77. giraffe1089 Says:
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    Wanted: Participants in local gun show Dec 9-11
    Only serious fire power need enter. Reward: $500 Wal-Mart Giftcard
    Apply today in person with collection, ammo at the mall.

  78. giraffe1089 Says:
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    Local NRA Chapter seeks new members!
    Exercise your 2nd Amendment Rights! Come prepared for action-
    Libertarian Headquarters on 5th and Main @7pm.

  79. Ian Randal Strock Says:
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    Full-scale re-enactment of the Zombie Wars to be held.
    We have all the zombies we need; looking for zombie killers.
    Realistic weaponry a plus.

  80. Ian Randal Strock Says:
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    Attention government agents: there are no zombies here.
    (All others: the above is a piece of misdirection. If you
    can kill zombies really dead, we really need you.)

  81. nmrboy Says:
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    LOCAL BAND “the last stand” seeks guitarist; come show us
    your axe skills! influences: ‘the killers’, ‘killswitch engage’, ‘survivor’, ‘rage against the machine’, ‘live’, ‘grateful dead’. commitment essential, transport a bonus.

  82. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    You should revise and resubmit this one, it’s good.

  83. Clayton Says:
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    Way to squeeze it in. Hemingway would be proud.

  84. vlad Says:
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    An audible?

  85. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    Club meeting for Veterans of the Zombie War. Let’s get
    together and rehash stories and strategies about this issue that’s
    inapplicable to current times…bring covered dish and a gun.

  86. Shirin Says:
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    Now I’m singing the Cranberries…

  87. Shirin Says:
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    Wow, Vlad. I totally didn’t get this, but my husband explained it to me. Very cool…

  88. Barnaby Hayes Says:
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    In search of pest control experts.
    Backyard infestation causing major headaches.
    Huge flesh-eating bugs need total extermination.

  89. Shirin Says:
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    Crazy backwoods hillbillies giving me trouble.
    Will pay big $$$ for someone to send them back
    to where they came from. No experience needed.

  90. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    (did ya see what fuzz did here, hm?)

  91. dana Says:
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    Hey, I resemble that remark!

  92. jupchu Says:
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    Seeking bridge partner
    Must have experience with the game
    Sunday mornings free and no fear of death

  93. Bunny Slippers Says:
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    Someone call my name?

  94. Shirin Says:
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    No you don’t…you never give me any trouble. :)

  95. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    This may not be the most effective entry, but it’s among my favorites. +2

  96. vlad Says:
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    In my much younger, more adventurous days I subscribed to the magazine
    and have seen lots of these ads including the one that resulted in a
    lawsuit against SOF.

  97. vlad Says:
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    How much and do you have photos?

  98. Snoconegrl Says:
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    i concur!

  99. erumpeltin Says:
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    .—- ….- / ….. / ….. / ….- / —.. / ….. / .—- ..— / .—- -…. / ..— -…. / .—- ….. / .—- …– / ..— / —-. / ….. / .—- —..

  100. erumpeltin Says:
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    that did not come out right. click on the picture. thanks.

    morse.JPG

  101. dana Says:
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    ha ha ha, by the way, I didnt get the sof thing either. Glad you said something, now I do.

  102. giraffe1089 Says:
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    WAL-MART AFTER THANKSGIVING DAY SALE!!!!!
    EVERYTHING 50-75% OFF!!!!!!
    DOORS OPEN AT 7AM, GET THERE EARLY!!!!!!

  103. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    Isn’t this sort of a “Make a classifieds ad that will restart the zombie apocalypse” entry?

  104. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    14/5/5/4/8/5/12/16/ = . . . / – - – / . . .
    (♪ So when you’re near me, darling can’t you hear me? ♪)

  105. David Says:
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    Government employees read this to learn how to give excellent customer service
    Okay; now that they have stopped reading. I have Zombies. Come help!

  106. giraffe1089 Says:
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    Do you KNOW what kind of people brave Black Friday? Multiply that by the Wal-Mart coefficient and the giant sale coefficient, and…well, I wouldn’t want to be a zombie in the middle of it.

  107. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    That’s a good point, you could stash Nintendo Wiis on the zombies and they’d probably get decapitated.

  108. Thebiggamer Says:
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    Wow I’m an idiot

  109. IngShoe Says:
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    Yeah, I’d buy that. KILLIRS. Part of the cover.


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    URGENT! I neenever gonna give you up
    Never gonna let you down
    Never gonna run around and desert you

  111. dilettante Says:
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    don’t I always?

  112. Garrett Says:
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    MWM seeks M or W of any type
    Hard-working, open-minded, adventure-seeking.
    Rough play OK, but no biters, please.

  113. Garrett Says:
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    That joke was old before it got started.

  114. Garrett Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +3

    Flamethrower classes
    Beginner to Advanced
    Fridays, 5:00 p.m., behind the YMCA

  115. Garrett Says:
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    Obama Rally, Noon, Town Hall

  116. dilettante Says:
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    Uh-oh…”I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

    (Miss South Carolina)


  117. Notice: Trying to get property of non-object in /home/content/62/9540362/html/mentalmagma/wp-includes/comment-template.php on line 28
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    McCain Rally.
    Right after Obama Rally.
    RNC DOA

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    Ah! The lovely dilettante, with eyes clear and bright, is here!
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