Dec 01 2008

Contest #23: Outrageous Assertions

Category: Uncategorized @ 1:19 am

Just for the record, Al Gore never said he invented the internet (if you don’t believe me, check out what Snopes.com says). However, it’s a good example of the kinds of claims we’d like to see from you guys this week.

This week’s task is to give us your most outlandish claims. You can say you bowled a 301, you invented the comma, or that all horses are actually hornless unicorns. This is a merch contest, so we’ll be putting the best answers on clothes and stuff in our online store (which, by the way, still has hoodies and dark tees on sale).

Standard contest timeline and contest rules apply this week. By leaving an entry you are agreeing to those rules. The entry voted the favorite by MM users will earn its author their choice of a $35 Amazon.com gift certificate OR a $50 gift certificate to the MM Online Store.

Contest Summary
Assignment
: Make a creatively outlandish claim.
How to enter: Write your entry in the Contest Entries section.
Deadline: Friday, December 5th at 5pm EST
Prize: Your choice of a $35 Amazon.com gift certificate OR a $50 gift certificate to the MM Online Store.

Announcement: This contest is closed. Feel free to continue to leave your answers here, but you'll be doing so strictly for our edification. Why don't you see what's going on in the forum or check out the latest update or contest?

408 Responses to “Contest #23: Outrageous Assertions”

  1. etmoose Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    I’m Spartacus.

  2. Jakutz Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    I invented water.

  3. Jakutz Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +7

    I defeated the Persians at Thermopylae… by myself.

  4. Jakutz Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    I made this shirt with my bare hands.

  5. What Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +15

    You can’t read.

  6. Stevel Knievel Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    Global Warming

  7. What Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +6

    The universe cares about you.

  8. StarCrossed Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    hehe

  9. StarCrossed Says:
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    nice

  10. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    I Write the Songs

  11. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    I shot J.R.

  12. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I Am Mr. Right!

  13. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    Hi!
    My name is
    Reverend Doctor Prince Charming, MD, PhD

  14. What Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +7

    Mathematics is just glorified guessing.

  15. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    I can get you free cable.

  16. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    Shirt Contains:
    One human male adult heterosexual married father-of-two at-home-businessman just trying to do his best and be happy.
    No Secrets. No Shame. No MSG.
    Allergen ALERT! Contains DAIRY products. May contain PEANUTS.

  17. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    I’m Batman.

  18. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    Edward Cullen Sucks.

    (I’m SORRY…….it doesn’t technically make a claim about me except by implicit comparison, but I think it’s time SOMEONE said it.)

  19. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +8

    (Show a picture of the eye and pyramid found on the back of US currency)

    Looking out for you!

  20. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    …With Liberty and Justice for All

  21. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +10

    MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

  22. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    Old Enough to Remember:
    (CHECK ALL THAT APPLY)

    ___ Warnings of another ICE AGE

    ___ When “gay” meant “happy”

    ___ Hats were off inside and during the National Anthem

    ___ Mandatory memorization of the “times tables”

    ___ Ordering “just coffee”

    ___ When lawyers didn’t advertise

    ___ Everything closed on Sunday

    ___ Going for “a drive”

    ___ Black & white television

    ___ Thinking 35 was “really old”

    ___ All of the above

  23. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +9

    Darth Vader is gay

  24. Mach3 Says:
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    This would be a lot more outrageous if those prequels were never made.

  25. Billard Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    Scientology is the only true Religion

  26. Billard Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    Nice!

  27. Billard Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    PRESIDENT SARAH PALIN 2012

  28. Alex Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +3

    I shot the sheriff AND the deputy.

  29. Alex Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    Caterpillars are the dominant species…you’ll see.

  30. Alex Says:
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    Energy and mass are equivalent and transmutable.

  31. Garrett Says:
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    Yes, I am.

  32. Garrett Says:
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    No, seriously, I am.

  33. Garrett Says:
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    I was instrumental in the authoring of legislation that made the authorship of legislation possible.

  34. greg Says:
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    Me Almighty.

  35. greg Says:
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    Darth Vader is a Bastard.

  36. greg Says:
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    DON’T BLAME ME.

    I voted for Goldwater!

  37. Splitter Says:
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    I helped elect The Pope.

  38. greg Says:
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    I am Joe the Plumber.

  39. greg Says:
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    Call me Ishmael.

  40. Splitter Says:
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    Now that’s good.

  41. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +3

    I am C-3PO, Human-Cyborg Relations, LLC

  42. greg Says:
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    always the last to know

  43. greg Says:
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    bearer of bad news

  44. greg Says:
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    I was already registered.

  45. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    Dr. Phil saved my ___________________.

  46. greg Says:
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    No, I really do think Katie Couric is the next Walter Cronkite.

  47. greg Says:
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    I can eat just one.

  48. greg Says:
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    I believe I can fly.

  49. greg Says:
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    I’m still confused…do we love Obama, or was McCain just too boring?

  50. greg Says:
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    Oprah’s “Mr. Man”

  51. IngShoe Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    I swam against Michael Phelps and won!

  52. IngShoe Says:
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    (actually I used to be on swim team with Paula Zahn back in the day)

  53. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +13

    I can divide by zero.

  54. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +6

    I cheat on personality tests.

  55. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +7

    I just destroyed all the items in this room and replaced them with exact replicas.

  56. Shirin Says:
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    Ha ha…so true.

  57. greg Says:
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    off my meds…

  58. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    My pen name is Mother Goose, and I want my residuals.

  59. greg Says:
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    Am I the only bothered by Princess Leia’s British accent?

  60. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    But wasn’t the Greek army largely annihilated by Xerxes I at Thermoplyae?

  61. Zabo Says:
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    The Second Coming has happened.

    And He is Stephen Hawking.

  62. Barnaby Hayes Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    My other car is the Batmobile.

  63. Iaoai Says:
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    I agree. It had to be said. I admire your courage.

  64. jupchu Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    I ate six saltines in under a minute…without a glass water

  65. jupchu Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    I beat the Abominable Snow-Man at hand ball in high school gym class

  66. jupchu Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I won the Indy 500 riding on the back of a moose

  67. jupchu Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    My pet sea monkeys are very well trained

  68. etmoose Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +6

    That song IS about me.

  69. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    ^ sounds like something SomeGuyNamedStevenWright says

  70. Jakutz Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +13

    I’m reading your mind.

    Yes I am.

  71. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    oooh … i love me some glass water

  72. fuzz on the concept Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    This isn’t me.

  73. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +11

    Fundamentalists will save us all

  74. Jakutz Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    I’m reading your mind.

    Spelling isn’t your strong point.

  75. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    Forced trilogies – 3 is always better than 1

  76. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    Star Trek Enterprise was better than The Next Generation

  77. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +13

    Resisting the Borg ain’t so hard

  78. pennydreadful Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    I am the fifth Beatle.

  79. etmoose Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I am Jesus’ homeboy.

  80. erumpeltin Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    (Bill Clinton’s T-Shirt)

    I Was the First Black President!

  81. Jakutz Says:
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    Yeah, after those came out it’s more outrageous to say “Darth Vader is Straight.”

  82. Jakutz Says:
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    The use of “ain’t” gives this one an awesome tone. Great entry!

  83. giraffe1089 Says:
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    According to CNN.com, 89% of adult males use the internet for research only.

  84. Jakutz Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +10

    I’m naked

  85. Lalaith Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    I am the Walrus.
    (goo goo g’joob)

  86. erumpeltin Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +8

    They say we only use 10% of our brains.

    I only use 10% of my penis.

  87. etmoose Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    Very clever on a shirt. Creepy on a bumper sticker, though…

  88. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    I invented sliced bread.

  89. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    This statement is false.

  90. erumpeltin Says:
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    even creepier bumper sticker on a school bus

  91. la_jeune_fille Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +10

    Jesus loves you!

  92. Iaoai Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    I stole this shirt from your house.

  93. Iaoai Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +8

    I taught God everything he knows.

  94. Iaoai Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I know what color a smurf turns when you choke it.

  95. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +7

    It takes two to masturbate

  96. What Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    Prodigies suck.

  97. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    Fire wasn’t built in a day

  98. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +6

    Alienation is your friend

  99. What Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +20

    Plagiarism was my idea.

  100. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    If you read this, you will die…

    …unless you make 3 outrageous claims by midnight, tonight! Forward this to your friends. If you do, your true love will kiss you!

  101. jupchu Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    glass of water

  102. Bunny Slippers Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    My dog knows how to play Texas hold ‘em.
    (he just needs help shuffling)

  103. dana Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    My 11 year old son is able to find the wave functions of a charged particle in a uniform field V(c)=-Fc. And he can Find the Schrodinger equation in the d representation for a particle moving in a periodic potential field V(g)=V(g-d).

  104. IngShoe Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    2008 World Record Bus Surfer

  105. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    It’s 10 PM. I do know where your children are.

  106. dana Says:
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    dang it, p representation!! oh well, i guess that makes it more outrageous!

  107. dana Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +3

    The sun stays in one place.

  108. fyrtygr Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    Fully & completely
    EDUKATED

  109. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    I win.

  110. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    Damnit, this shirt is too tight on my numerous muscles!!!

  111. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    i wanted to vote for this one twice, but i feel that wouldn’t be right.

  112. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    i don’t believe you.

  113. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    i’ll be honest, i wasn’t expecting that. If it were on a shirt, i can imagine a ton of people becoming offended, but not being able to explain why.

  114. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    you had quite a few of them. nicely done.

  115. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    and i wrote it.

  116. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    i would like that shirt a lot, just to see if people would call it inappropriate.

  117. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    Damnit, this bumper sticker is ruining my Cadillac!

  118. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    or some other car that is superior. I’m really bad the whole “car” thing, or whatever.

  119. greg Says:
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    I don’t blame you.

  120. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    YES! I’d forgotten his stuff!

  121. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    Sleep with me.
    I’ve already told everyone you did.

  122. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    An honest man
    is often
    dead

  123. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    Al Roker is our nation’s Greatest Weapon.

  124. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +9

    VIRGINITY IS A CHOICE
    that others have made for me

  125. Iaoai Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    I know seventeen different ways to kill you without moving from this spot.

  126. erumpeltin Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +6

    I was the best thing before sliced bread

  127. Lalaith Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +6

    I know what rhymes with purple.

  128. anon Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    This is a well-known Chuck Norris joke

  129. Bovine of Doom Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I am Iron Man.

  130. Bovine of Doom Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    These are the Emperor’s clothes.

  131. Bovine of Doom Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    I just killed you, only you haven’t realized it yet.

  132. Bovine of Doom Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    I caught the Ginger Bread man.

  133. Bovine of Doom Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    Don’t read this sentence.

    Uh-Oh

  134. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    I did it my way, and then I had someone come fix it.

  135. greg Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I am Oz, the great and powerful.
    Who are you?

  136. vlad Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    I am the greatest visionary of the 20th and 21th centuries and will most likely be
    denounced as a criminal and crucified in the next 4 years by the church and
    government.

  137. vlad Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I, alone know that not only is the emperor naked, but so is everyone else.

  138. vlad Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +3

    I, alone understand the stock and financial markets.

  139. vlad Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I took the initiative in creating Mentalmagma.

  140. Shirin Says:
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    Maybe that’s part of the reason his claim is outrageous (besides the whole “by myself” part).

  141. pe-eff Says:
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    I can suck my OWN cock

  142. fuzz on the concept Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    … to wash it down :)

  143. fuzz on the concept Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    If you lived here …
    you’d be me.

  144. fuzz on the concept Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    my other self is a broom stick

  145. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    I dropped the soap. Nothing happened.

  146. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +3

    42

  147. Iaoai Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +13

    What has two thumbs and killed all the dinosaurs? This guy.

  148. Taylor Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +3

    The economy is booming.

  149. Taylor Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I can drink an entire gallon of milk in one sitting.

  150. Taylor Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    I’ve got a higher Midi-chlorian count than you.

  151. Taylor Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +11

    I make onions cry.

  152. Taylor Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I know kung fu.

  153. Taylor Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +7

    I made the Kessel Run in eleven parsecs.

  154. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    She’s just a friend. She means nothing to me!

  155. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    There are some funny design possibilities too

  156. What Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +8

    Monotony is the spice of life.

  157. vlad Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    I am the First.

  158. vlad Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    I didn’t evolve from apes. Apes evolved from me.

  159. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    Sub-Prime Mortgages are a great idea.

  160. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +10

    I chose to be conceived

  161. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    You didn’t read this.

  162. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +9

    (Show a picture of a Wal-Mart-esque yellow happy face with X’s for eyes and a footprint on it)

    Holidays Bring Out the Best in People

  163. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    too soon?

  164. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    I proved Truth does not exist

  165. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +8

    Hemophiliacs for Masochism!

  166. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +8

    Nirvana’s Aight

  167. What Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    Fashion is out of style.

  168. What Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    Children are the past.

  169. pe-eff Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I gave birth to Optimus Prime

  170. Not What, that's for sure Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    DO IT!

  171. Jakutz Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    nah

  172. Jakutz Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    My sperm are full grown Spartan warriors.

  173. Lalaith Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    I kicked Chuck Norris’s ass.

  174. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +1

    Hemaphrodite Hookers: It’s like two for the price of one!

  175. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    I want this on a shirt…or a Psych Exam.

  176. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    Truth.

  177. SesameStreetgang Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +7

    Cake > Pie

  178. rudolfs001 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    So long as no one’s related to that worker.

  179. rudolfs001 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +5

    This guy plays BagpipeHero

  180. rudolfs001 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    I ALWAYS know the state of quantum cat.

  181. rudolfs001 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    When I put this shirt on, I become cool.

  182. rudolfs001 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    Life is an illusion, our dreams are the reality.

  183. rudolfs001 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    You will be my friend.

  184. rudolfs001 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    God is alive, and we have not killed him.

  185. rudolfs001 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    Hugh Heffner is gay.

  186. Lalaith Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +4

    I am the most modest person EVER.

  187. nmrboy Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +7

    if you’re good enough, prostitutes are free.

  188. nmrboy Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +6

    i am the change i want to see in the world.

  189. Mach3 Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +0

    As a lover of pie and hater of cake, this one really resonates with me. Plus, the format is original and for a design you could just put a picture of each thing on either side of the symbol. +2

  190. StarCrossed Says:
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    First-rate blasphemy. There are so many ways one could go about illustrating this, and it’s much more dignified (i.e., less offensive) than “Jesus is my wingman” (although that’s kind of funny, come to think of it) or any number of priest/pederast jokes. Two thumbs for you.

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