Dec 22 2008

Contest #26: Deficient Directions

Category: Uncategorized @ 1:20 am

This is Christmas week, so I won’t be posting too much. We’re not having a Christmas-themed contest this week. That’s what Photo Contest #2 is for. And no, we’re not creating lolcats this week. Why don’t I just tell you what the contest is?

This week’s contest is to give some grossly understated or useless directions/advice/information. Let me give you some examples:

“Make, then eat.” for duck a l’orange

“Turn.” for how to get from Ontario to Quebec

“Win battles.” Sun Tzu’s rough draft

This week’s contest (including the examples) was created by MM user What. He will be guest judge and select one of the finalists this week.

Standard contest timeline and contest rules apply this week. By leaving an entry you are agreeing to those rules. The entry voted the favorite by MM users will earn its author their choice of a $20 Amazon.com gift certificate OR a $40 gift certificate to the MM Online Store.

Contest Summary
Assignment
: Write some grossly understated or useless directions/advice/information.
How to enter: Write your entry in the Contest Entries section.
Deadline: Friday, December 26th at 5pm EST
Prize: Your choice of a $20 Amazon.com gift certificate OR a $40 gift certificate to the MM Online Store.

Announcement: This contest is closed. Feel free to continue to leave your answers here, but you'll be doing so strictly for our edification. Why don't you see what's going on in the forum or check out the latest update or contest?

217 Responses to “Contest #26: Deficient Directions”

  1. greg Says:
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    Just do it.

  2. greg Says:
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    Beware Hell Hound

  3. greg Says:
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    Of course you may go play football with your friends, but don’t get dirty.

  4. Alex Says:
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    “Sit.” Meditation 101.

  5. Alex Says:
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    “Lean to one side, then the other.” Snow skiing.

  6. Alex Says:
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    “Get the king.” How to win at chess.

  7. giraffe1089 Says:
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    Actually, the only directions Japanese Zen teachers will give their students are “Sit down and shut up,” so you’re not far off.

  8. Alex Says:
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    “Solve for T. No calculators necessary.”

    equation.jpg

  9. Alex Says:
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    picture didn’t seem to work here…remove if possible.

  10. giraffe1089 Says:
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    “Leave no witnesses.” parallel parking.

  11. Jakutz Says:
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    Directions for a certain position in the kama sutra:
    ))((

  12. Jakutz Says:
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    that didn’t show up right, but if you’ve seen Me You and Everyone We Know, then you’ll know what I’m talking about ;)

  13. Alex Says:
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    “Don’t stall.” How to get work done (OR) How to pilot a plane

  14. giraffe1089 Says:
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    How to make a nuclear bomb: “google it.”

  15. giraffe1089 Says:
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    By the way, “google it” applies to any and all tasks, including where do babies come from, how to be a double agent, magic mushroom growing, etc.

  16. giraffe1089 Says:
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    “back and forth…forever”

  17. Jakutz Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    What to do when the sun explodes:

    Die

  18. Spumoni Says:
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    “Relax” for a prostate exam

  19. Mach3 Says:
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    How to play ANY musical instrument: Trial and error until desired sounds are produced

  20. Mach3 Says:
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    How to jumpstart your day: Wake up

  21. dana Says:
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    How to raise a child: “love it”.

  22. dana Says:
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    How to win in grappling: “conserve your energy”.

  23. dana Says:
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    How to ride a horse:”get on, stay on”.

  24. greg Says:
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    To drive:
    Keep the shiny side up.

  25. greg Says:
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    You have been given one razor blade, a sponge, a thick rag, and a gallon of Bactine. Remove your appendix.

  26. greg Says:
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    Delivering a baby:
    Boil water

    (Also works for making soup.)

  27. greg Says:
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    When in doubt, have a bowl of cereal.

  28. BigMomma Says:
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    How to get off a snowy mountain

    “sit and slide”

  29. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    hilarious +2

  30. greg Says:
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    Follow on-screen prompts.

  31. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    I like the dual meaning, +2

  32. greg Says:
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    I don’t know that I’d call that “inadequate.” There seem to be a lot of people who have forgotten that part.

  33. Gabriel Says:
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    I fixed it; it was because the image was a png file. I saved it as a jpg and edited your comment.

  34. greg Says:
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    ((Lather. Rinse.) Repeat. Stop. Dry. Style. Dress. Leave. Do what you do. Return. Sleep. Wake.) Repeat.

  35. greg Says:
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    Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Continue on your own.

  36. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    My own first directions for Soto Zen meditation: I went to the Zendo and the teacher said, “Have a seat — the meditation will begin when the bell rings” … and then she rang the bell.

  37. fuzz on the concept Says:
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    “You can’t miss it”

  38. dana Says:
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    true, and there are many who completely misinterpret it. :)

  39. Alex Says:
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    Danke.

  40. Alex Says:
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    “It’s easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself.” – J.S. Bach (that guy was ahead of his time…and this contest).

  41. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Three birds in the hand are worth more than one in the bush.

  42. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Chill if you can’t stand the chill.

  43. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    The shortest way to a man’s heart is through his eyes’
    to a woman’s, through her chest.

  44. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    A journey of a thousand miles is less.

  45. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Those who live by the sward wont die.

  46. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Whenever you catch a fish, it is fresh.

  47. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Great conquerers have mothers, too.

  48. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Your enemies can use your love, too.

  49. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Distance makes the leg muscles grow.

  50. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Young in heart, old everywhere else.

  51. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    A poker-player is as good as his lowest ace.

  52. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    you need three things to be a better person: 1. Humility

  53. jupchu Says:
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    Don’t try and out run it, don’t try and climb a tree, don’t play dead: How to escape from a bear

  54. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    Going back to last week, this was an actually fortune cookie that I got.

  55. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    A knight in chess is just as good in backgammon.

  56. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    If you cannot stand the heat, turn off the oven.

  57. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    A woman who steals from her husband is a man.

  58. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Giving up too early is the mother of quitting too late.

  59. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Never restart when you can.

  60. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Those who can, do, those who can’t, wont.

  61. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Goodness is the father of giving, but dadess is its mother.

  62. greg Says:
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    Lift nozzle. Dispense fuel. Mortgage home.

  63. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Never resect one who can’t spell a word backward.

  64. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    P.S. The second word in the above saying should have been “respect.”

  65. greg Says:
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    She got pregnant to not knowing when to quit.

    She should have stayed with never got started.

  66. greg Says:
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    Follow your nose.

  67. greg Says:
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    If you pass it, you’ve gone too far.

  68. greg Says:
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    Turn left three miles before you don’t go across the bridge that’s out.

  69. greg Says:
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    Drive into stadium parking area and look for the big motor home with the flag.

  70. greg Says:
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    Let’s meet at the bar. I’ll be holding a drink.

  71. greg Says:
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    Just call out my name, and I’ll come running.

    You know, if I hear you, and I’m free right then.

    Otherwise, just leave a message. Or call later.

    If it’s an emergency, call 911.

  72. bonzaipotato Says:
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    “Throw ring in volcano.” Lord of the Rings

  73. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    A good life is like a hamburger.

  74. greg Says:
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    Directions for walking a tightrope:
    Balance

  75. greg Says:
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    Directions for taming a lion:
    Don’t.

  76. greg Says:
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    Directions for being shot from a cannon:
    In public?

  77. greg Says:
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    Directions for cage diving with sharks:
    Throw bloody meat into ocean.
    Get in small aluminum cage.
    Dive.
    When sharks attack, suck it up. You have it coming.

  78. greg Says:
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    1. Point up to the left.
    2. Point down to the right.
    3. Repeat 1 and 2.

    That’s disco.

  79. greg Says:
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    Enroll.
    Skip class.
    Get drunk.
    Graduate with honors.

  80. greg Says:
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    Resist.

  81. greg Says:
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    Although it is futile.

  82. greg Says:
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    Pick a card…any card

  83. greg Says:
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    How to have a holly-jolly anything.

    Your guess is as good as any.

  84. greg Says:
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    Irregardless?

  85. pennydreadful Says:
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    Climbing Mount Everest:

    Walk to the top. When you get there, turn around and come back.

  86. Jakutz Says:
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    How to have a baby:
    1. Go to a bar.
    2. Drink heavily.

  87. Taylor Says:
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    How to play Pokeman: Catch ‘em all.

  88. Taylor Says:
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    How to grow a Chia Pet: Find a head. Water it.

  89. Taylor Says:
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    How to take down the Death Star: Bullseye womp rats in your T-16. Meet Obi-Wan.

  90. Taylor Says:
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    How to live in Florida: Live in New York. Retire.

  91. Taylor Says:
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    How to survive in a blizzard: Find a ton-ton.

  92. Taylor Says:
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    How to appease your captor: Rub the lotion on your skin before you get the hose again.

  93. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    My coworkers looked at me funny when I couldn’t help but audibly chuckle at this one.

  94. bonzaipotato Says:
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    “Throw self at ground. Miss.” How to fly (from Douglas Adams)

  95. Alex Says:
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    “Poke the other guy. Don’t get poked.” Fencing.

  96. Alex Says:
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    “Thrust rhythmically in and out.”

    …How to churn butter.

  97. Alex Says:
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    “Hit their weak spot.” How to defeat your enemies/the boss of the game.

  98. Alex Says:
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    “Aim for the head.” Shooting games. Simple, right?

  99. Alex Says:
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    “Submit entry. Win. Blow all winnings immediately on books, computer games, or schwag.” Mental Magma.

  100. Alex Says:
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    “Format your hard drive. Reinstall Windows.” Emergency tech support.

  101. Alex Says:
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    “Establish classless society of collective ownership.” Red revolution.

  102. Alex Says:
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    “Get votes.” How to become president.

  103. Alex Says:
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    “Be popular.” How to become student council president.

  104. Alex Says:
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    “Act naturally and draw from your experiences.” Stanislavsky’s method.

  105. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    So true.

  106. Alex Says:
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    “Don’t think about elephants.” You just did.

  107. Alex Says:
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    “Don’t drink the water.”

  108. Alex Says:
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    “Eat well. Exercise regularly.”

  109. Alex Says:
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    “Succeed.”

  110. Alex Says:
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    a lot like “resist”

  111. Alex Says:
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    “Don’t set off alarms. Take it.” Stealing the hope diamond.

  112. Mach3 Says:
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    How to get into space: Aim high, bring tang

  113. Mach3 Says:
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    On public speaking: Be charismatic and effective

  114. Alex Says:
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    “Live long and prosper.” (easier said than done)

  115. etmoose Says:
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    “Go.” The instructions to Monopoly.

  116. etmoose Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +2

    “In case of emergency: Break glass.” In emergencies.

  117. greg Says:
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    Bitch.

  118. greg Says:
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    Embrace your allergies.

  119. etmoose Says:
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    “Be nice.” — “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” draft one.

  120. Mach3 Says:
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    How to combat depression: Stay positive

  121. Mach3 Says:
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    How to deal with the problems life throws at you: Take these pills

  122. Stevel Knievel Says:
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    how to test smoke detector:

    burn down house, listen

  123. greg Says:
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    Want friends?
    Stop being an asshole.

  124. greg Says:
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    REVISE:

    My doctor’s patient’s impatience tests his patience for his patients, so if you become a patient patient and not an impatient patient you will enjoy his patently patient patience for his patients who are patient.

  125. greg Says:
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    PRACTICE MAKES SWEAT.

  126. greg Says:
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    CHEAT TO WIN

  127. greg Says:
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    DON’T TRUST OPRAH

  128. greg Says:
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    IF YOU ARE A MONKEY, STOP CHASING THE WEASEL.

  129. greg Says:
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    IT IS RIGHT NOT TO EAT GREEN EGGS AND HAM

  130. greg Says:
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    AVOID DANGER

  131. greg Says:
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    PACE YOURSELF

  132. BigMomma Says:
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    “Go down the mountain really fast, if something gets in your way turn.”

    -How to Ski

  133. vlad Says:
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    How to solve the current worldwide economic crisis: Load billions in battery of
    potato guns and fire in random directions.

  134. vlad Says:
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    How to win wars: Destroy the enemy and take all their stuff.

  135. vlad Says:
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    How to lose wars: Destroy enemy and give their stuff to Stalin.

  136. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Don’t think, if you want to be happy.

  137. mike fo' sho' Says:
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    Eat Healthy and Excersise.

  138. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Narcissism is an underrated quality.

  139. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Thinking beautiful makes you so.

  140. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Overcome failures by blaming others.

  141. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    All men are created equal in having the unalienable right to be totally stupid and irresponsible.

  142. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    It is a fact that two plus two equals four.

  143. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    In the final analysis, the sum of two plus two is a matter of choice.

  144. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Mathematics is the language of God; music, his voice.

  145. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    If it weren’t for your darn conscience, you did’t have to be good if you didn’t want to.

  146. Pascal-Nietsche Says:
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    Adam and Eve lived by their Ids, so should us their offspring.

  147. snoconegirl Says:
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    How to get to Hell:
    Hop into this Handbasket!

  148. Taylor Says:
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    How to kill a polar bear: Turn on your car and all the appliances in your house. Leave them running and wait.

  149. Taylor Says:
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    How to meet Michael Jackson: Don’t turn 13.

  150. greg Says:
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    Walk on eggshells. It’ll help one day.

  151. greg Says:
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    Try actually holding your tongue.

    I mean it.

    Grasp it and don’t let go.

    Shut up.

  152. greg Says:
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    The wings were delivered at noon, and the beer got here at 2:00 pm.

    ____________________________________________________________________

    (Answers the question, “Which came first, the chicken or the keg?”)

  153. Bovine of Doom Says:
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    How to jump: Remove both feet from ground simultaneously.

  154. Barnaby Hayes Says:
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    I love that guy.

  155. greg Says:
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    Be prepared to bleed.

  156. greg Says:
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    Use a #2 pencil.

  157. Jakutz Says:
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    Flag all of the mines.

    Minesweeper.

  158. greg Says:
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    Fire photon torpedo so that it enters the exhaust port.

  159. greg Says:
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    No wire hangers!

  160. greg Says:
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    Do the hokey-pokey. That’s what it’s all about.

  161. greg Says:
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    Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, and Chevrolet.

    (It was inadequate then, it is even more so now.)

  162. greg Says:
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    Whip it. Whip it good.

  163. greg Says:
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    Over the moon?

    Love the name! Have you met the Pig of Tranquility and the Horse of Intense Negotiations?

  164. drewbert Says:
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    Simply think of a clever post, type it, submit. BAM!

  165. drewbert Says:
     Add karma Add double karma  +6

    FIX IT

    (message from Americans to new president on Jan. 20)

  166. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    Diamonds.

    “The Rich Idiot’s Guide to Dating”

  167. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    Thou Shalt Be Nice.

    “The One Commandment”

  168. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    1. Build Doomsday Device
    2. ???
    3. Profit!!!

    -Every Bond movie ever.

  169. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    Jesus loves You. Everyone else dies in a big fire.

    -The New Testament

  170. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    This is actually a pretty cool quote. Too bad I don’t understand any math above arithmetic.

  171. vlad Says:
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    Catholic hater.

  172. greg Says:
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    excuse me?

  173. Jakutz Says:
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    That’s awesome! I’m going to try it right now.

  174. Jakutz Says:
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    Last night I had my first glass of tang in years. My friend mentioned its creation.

  175. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    From the book: “How to Read”

    Chapter 1

    So, you want to know how to read. Well, it’s really quite simple. There’s only one thing you need to know…

  176. vlad Says:
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    Hey, Greg,
    1. Anytime I call hate or hate speech you can assume I’m being sarcastic as I am a promoter and defender of the Bill of Rights. The government is working hard enough to take our rights that I’ll not volunteer to give any up and make it easier for them.
    B. Google hate speech hokey pokey. It seems that some see the hokey pokey [changed to cokey] as a gesture of ridicule of the Catholic Mass and priesthood.

  177. Mike Fo' Sho' Says:
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    How to speak any language

    Talk slowly, loudly, and with an accent.

  178. greg Says:
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    Oh. Wow. I will have to be careful in the future.

    Nah, I think not…

    But thanks for the info…the world just keeps getting less and less interesting.

  179. greg Says:
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    Enter booth, close eyes, push buttons, collect your “I VOTED!” sticker.

  180. greg Says:
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    In case of emergency, call every country you cannot name “Czechoslovakia.” When further challenged or laughed at, maintain that “it used to be…” which will turn the geography argument into a history argument which is infinitely easier to win via the revisionist tactic of artistic license.

  181. greg Says:
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    if you screw up, call it jazz

  182. Penelope Pince Says:
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    “Patience is a virtue.”

    I’ve always hated because when does anyone say it to you but when you’re feeling impatient, so it only serves to annoy and make you even more so.

  183. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    Brain’s Plan To Take Over The World:

    1. Escape from cage.
    2. Engage in witty banter with Pinky.
    3. Try to take over the world.
    4. Repeat the same thing every night.

  184. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    This is also the formula to create one of the best cartoon shorts ever.

  185. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    Directions to Hawaii courtesy of Googlemaps:

    Take exit 10 to merge onto I-405 N toward Everett/Bellevue
    3.6 mi
    Take exit 14 to merge onto WA-520 W toward Seattle
    6.0 mi
    Take the Montlake Blvd exit
    0.5 mi
    Merge onto Montlake Blvd E/WA-513
    0.3 mi
    Turn left at NE Pacific St
    0.7 mi
    Continue on NE Northlake Way
    0.2 mi
    Turn left to stay on NE Northlake Way
    1.0 mi
    Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
    Entering Hawaii
    2,756 mi

  186. rudolfs001 Says:
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    I’ve never had Tang.

  187. rudolfs001 Says:
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    (How to become a vampire) Put on 3 inches of white powder.

  188. rudolfs001 Says:
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    (How to have a long lasting relationship) Cheat.

  189. rudolfs001 Says:
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    (How to succeed in school) Cheat.

  190. rudolfs001 Says:
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    Live until you die.

    (How to be happy in life.)

  191. rudolfs001 Says:
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    T=(-oo,0)U(0,oo)

  192. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    Define: Define.

    Definition: You’re an asshole.

  193. erumpeltin Says:
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    But stalling leads to spins, and spinning is so much fun!

  194. erumpeltin Says:
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    Lie: How to be a politician.

  195. erumpeltin Says:
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    Turn On – Directions on The Haiku Sexbot

  196. erumpeltin Says:
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    Open Up – directions on the cover of the psychiatry book

  197. erumpeltin Says:
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    Don’t Lose your Head – French revolution survival guide.

  198. erumpeltin Says:
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    Don’t shoot your leg – Directions on Plaxico Burress’s (is it ss’ or ss’s? Thats a lot of s’sssss). handgun. Obviously he did not read them.

  199. SesameStreetgang Says:
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    Searching: Directions for the Alamo.

    Result: Remember it.

  200. JIbsauce Says:
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    How to play basketball: Don’t be short.

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  217. Carrol Burkley Says:
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