Aug 11 2008

Contest #7: Make-a-Minion

Category: Uncategorized @ 12:02 am

We’ve all seen the part in The Wizard of Oz in which the wicked witch sends her flying monkeys to apprehend Dorothy and her companions (a similar scene is in the modern retelling of the story, Wicked). If you’re anything like me, you thought to yourself “Dang, an army of winged monkey minions would be super useful.” However, are monkeys with wings really the best option?

This week’s contest is to invent your own minion. You get to take one animal and imagine that you can add a body part from another animal. The goal is to end up with a hybrid that you think would make up a good army to do your bidding. The body part you add can be a substitute for the original animal’s parts or it can be just in addition to the animal’s regular parts.

Your answer, which should be left in our Contest Entries section, should describe your animal and detail why you think they’d be good minions for you.

For this contest, standard contest timeline and contest rules apply. By leaving an entry you are agreeing to those rules. The entry voted the favorite by MM users will earn its author a $25 Amazon.com Gift Certificate AND a 4-pack of Screaming Slingshot Flying Monkeys.


Contest Summary:

What you have to do: Tell us about your perfect minion by imagining one animal with a body part added from another animal. Tell us why these hybrids would be a good army of wicked servants for you.
How to enter: Write your answer in the Contest Entries section.
Deadline: Friday, August 15th at 5pm EST
Prize: A $25 Amazon.com Gift Certificate & a 4-pack of Screaming Slingshot Flying Monkeys.

Announcement: This contest is closed. Feel free to continue to leave your answers here, but you'll be doing so strictly for our edification. Why don't you check out the latest update or contest?


323 Responses to “Contest #7: Make-a-Minion”

  1. Gabriel Says:
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    Things you might want to consider in selecting your minions…

    * Size/mobility/agility
    * Ability to work in groups
    * Ability to intimidate those who would dare to oppose your evil schemes

  2. Garrett Says:
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    I’d have humans with self-interest removed. They’d be subservient, but intelligent and, most important of all, able to blend in.
    If I can still add something, they’d have supercomputers installed.

  3. Tiago Says:
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    Hippopotami with kangaroo legs, so I could be able to crush my enemies. With several of these minions I could actually blackmail the world with massive earthquakes and just live from “protection” money for the rest of my life.

  4. vlad Says:
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    How about a velocirapter that spits cobra venom. Fast, fearless and,
    according to Spielberg, able to cooperate. Throw in some bat wings of
    appropriate size and you come up with a perfect killing machine.

  5. smodaresi Says:
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    Leopards with the ability to spit down their prey with water (like archer fish).
    They could outrun anybody, intimidate people with their sharp claws, and, when all else failed, knock them down with super accurate water spurts from their mouths.

  6. Ian Randal Strock Says:
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    Intelligent flying elephants, because nobody messes with a flying
    elephant that’s ready, willing, and able to attack from above and
    crush you flat. Forget Dumbo; I’m talking powerful, portable pachyderms.

  7. Agent Mammal Says:
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    I would want an army of baby elephants with fuzzy white bunny tails. The good guys are always suckers for cute stuff. I figure these would distract them while I did whatever dirty work I had to do. Plus, in a real jam, they could still trample the enemy; even though they’re babies they’re still like 300 pounds.

  8. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    This is easy.

    My minions would be an army of teddy bear hamsters with jaguar claws. Hamsters can squeeze under doors and through cracks that no vertebrate creature should be able to squeeze through. Plus, if they are trapped in a cage by the enemy, they will easily be able to escape by climbing the water bottle and pushing open the screen. And the jaguar claws… well, the jaguar claws are for ripping and tearing and maiming. You get the idea.

    All hail the powerful teddy bear hamster army!

  9. IngShoe Says:
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    KANGAROO with added WINGS:
    -perfect aerodynamic shape for flying (pointy little head, expanded rear end, tail for steering)
    -has pouch to carry weapons, tools, or James Bond type gadgets
    -has arms and “fingers” to use said gadgets
    -when on land can jump/run quickly through rough terrain
    -can use strong tail and hind legs to punch and hit
    -capable of intimidation with bad temperments and mean facial expressions
    -also capable of being cute and cuddley, to confuse the enemy
    -big enough to pack a punch but not so big that they couldn’t fly
    -and they hang out in groups that are called “mobs”… really!

  10. Ms. Sanchez Says:
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    I agree this is very simple indeed.

    Here’s my minion. Cheetah for the body and the head of the T-Rex. Now, the head may be slightly non-symmetrical, but isn’t that scary enough. I think most things would fear both animals. They’re both really quite terrifying. The cheetah may be small but it’s speed is amazing which would indeed help the rather large, and slow moving T-Rex.

  11. Padma Says:
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    I’d have a SNIPITURE:
    Part SNake-Pitbull-Vulture.

    He’d swoop in, hold them down with his snake tail, bit and tear them with his pitbull jaws, and then since he’s a vulture, he’d eat the evidence.

  12. Brendan Says:
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    My minion would have the body of a Warthog and the head and claws of a
    giant Lobster.

    These guys would be able to scare the hell out of my enemies with their
    pincher warthog charges.

    Plus it’d just be fun to yell, “Lobster-Hogs, Attack!”

  13. Padma Says:
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    BTW, I named my minion; this is not an existing minion.

  14. James Says:
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    I would take a large chicken – reinforced it with the highest quality aluminum foil available in the marketplace, then on top of that, create special goggles (or just really, really small sun glasses) in the event it flies too close to the sun. Yes, the sun.

    Rather, let’s make that a hawk as opposed to a chicken as hawks actually fly, but a chicken will work as well – just on the ground. The chicken will not need the sun glasses though – perhaps some aquatic gear? “Hawk” will definitely need the sun glasses; I meant anti-sun/radiation goggles.

  15. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    Thanks for the clarification. I was about to build a bomb shelter. Or a snipiture shelter.

  16. Kathy Says:
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    I am a psychotherapist and need a minion that will combat depression and anxiety in my clients. A cat with a parrot’s beak would be a pet that is cuddly but also talks (and jokes)!! Great company for people who are lonely and entertainment for those who need a good laugh.

  17. Jay B. Says:
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    Qualities:

    Determination–Willingness to do whatever it takes to bring your plans
    to fruition i.e. ability to resist the Baby Zombie Apocalypse.

    Cuteness–Must have the irresistible cheeks of a baby and the tight tush
    of a chiseled-rock hard man. No one can resist your minion and it
    easily lulls one’s enemies into a false since of security.

    Bizarreness–Nothing gives a minion the edge like confusing the hell out
    of the enemy.

    Multiple Appendages–Vastly improves multitasking abilities up to and
    not limited too making its master the most delicious of all pancakes.

    Ability to Reproduce–Nothing says indestructible army like one that can
    clone itself by asexual regeneration. Don’t ask don’t tell.

    Strength and Flexibility–The power of an Olympian and the flexibility
    of a newborn is a must.

    Mental Dexterity–Your minions must have the intelligence of a full
    grown man and the ability to absorb knowledge like a baby.

    I present to you the Man/Baby Tenacity 1000 (see the winner of the Mental
    Magma’s Contest #4). The most advanced minion/henchmen available on
    the market.

  18. dlawhon Says:
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    My minions would be tigers with a scorpion stinger. It would be the size of a draft horse. The only way to avoid being attacked by them from behind would be to wear a mask on the back of your head. Only a specific mask would work, which I would copyright. I would also make them disposable and fragile, allowing me to gain control of a large fortune, and funding my extensive breeding project.

  19. richard55 Says:
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    my minions would be a chameleon mixed with a lion and because it is half chameleon it would blend in with its surroundings so you won’t know it’s there til it pounces on you with its lion claws and tears you to shreds with it’s lion teeth

  20. tlawhon Says:
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    I would have An alpha bigfoot! It would be able to call and control all other bigfoot and primate species. I would have created planet of the apes, with the impecable one as lord of the land. mmmmmm!!!!! I could just feel it!

  21. tyson22 Says:
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    okay that is cool

  22. mike 66 Says:
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    i would have a dog with one eagle head and one hawk head so it can see far away and two heads are better than one!

  23. lauren456 Says:
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    i would make a skunk/wolf so it could knock out it’s prey and take him/her back to my lair

  24. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    I’m terrified of your kangabirds. Seriously.

  25. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    If my hamster army ended up getting lost in a maze of toilet paper tubes, I’d employ my murder of murderous Kodiak bear crows. Fifteen hundred pounds of total badass bear with WINGS. This thing can take your head off with one swipe, and then gracefully sail away in a flurry of black feathers.

    Enemies, you are SO screwed.

  26. fooly cooly Says:
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    i would make rats with mole claws, so they could burrow under walls, then chew up through your floor and bite your toes(btw rats can bite right through your shoes, if you didn’t know that)! they would be even more dangerous if infected with black death

  27. IngShoe Says:
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    I’m afraid they’re no match (hee hee) against your three-inch fluffy (but powerful, tee hee hee) teddy bear hamster army (hee hee hee)!
    Oh yeah, with jaguar claws (tee hee hee)!
    :-)

  28. Ms. Sanchez Says:
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    ahem, Ms. Sara. not all your enemies will be screwed. My chee-rex-souras will totally eat you before you even knew what happened to you!

  29. Ms. Sanchez Says:
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    *NOT

  30. Creative Bliss Says:
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    my minion will be the tails of a sting-ray, and electric eel *which will be able to work outside of water* the feet of an eagle the eyes of an owl, ears of a dog and the head of head of a dragon. now who would want to mess with that… let’s thin about it.

    it has a built in force field with the tails…you’ll get zapped the second you decide to approach, the eyes of the owl will be able to spot you from miles away, it will be able to hear you from miles away, and the head of the dragon will spit out fire! red hot FIRE!!!!! and claws from an eagle which will claw you to death!

    I call him my electric-dragon-warrior.

  31. Creative Bliss Says:
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    with the body of a porcupine… an interesting hybrid indeed. :D

  32. Bebemiqui Says:
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    Giant Squid, but a mammal! (I hope that counts). It would pick up my kids and keep them entertained/prisoner. Also it could come with me on shopping trips and help with hanging ornaments.

  33. IngShoe Says:
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    Hey Bren-

    I just saw a gourmet recipe for steamed lobster with pork… I can give you the link if you – oh sorry, I thought you said “attack the lobster and pork”…

    {:-)

  34. mannequin Says:
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    A minion indeed! Mine would come in the form of a human male with large, rippling muscular arms (yes, men are animals) and the body of a mule. This animal would be capable of MOWING THE LAWN, carrying the groceries and doing all the man stuff I get my fingernails dirty doing.

  35. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    Do not make the mistake of underestimating my blood-thirsty hamsters, or you too will become an object of their wrath! They can fit your entire body in one cheek pouch!

  36. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    What was that? Your Cheesasaurus Rex? I’m supposed to be afraid of a mascot from a box of mac and cheese? *SCOFF!*

  37. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    Could I borrow a few dozen of your minions to paint my house?

  38. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    MMM, lobster and pork… now THAT’S good eats! Maybe I should make my minion have dragon breath so I can grill your minions right up…

  39. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    Hey, Electric Dragon Warrior is my favorite T.Rex album! ;)

  40. IngShoe Says:
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    I love it – who voted for Gabriel’s bullet points?!?

  41. Padma Says:
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    Bullets are a minion’s best friend.

  42. Nietsche Pascal Says:
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    I like to remind mannequin that regular, average, everyday men do all the fingernail-dirtying chores without having the body of a mule. Just make sure they have big hands, broad shoulders, and to make them really compliant, have only tiny heads.

  43. jhon66 Says:
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    my minion would be part flying lemor part poison dart fgog that shoots real poison dars a hundred at a time so it can shoot poison on you while it’s flying is’t that cute

  44. jhon66 Says:
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    that does sound good!!!!

  45. tyson22 Says:
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    not !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  46. Brendan Says:
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    New Contest: Best TASTING Minion!

  47. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    You know what else is cool? “Not” jokes!

    ;)

  48. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    Mmm… delicious, melt-in-your-mouth teddy bear hamsters…

    ;)

  49. Brendan Says:
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    I like that you used “murder of murderous” bear-crows.

    It doesn’t work so well with mine:

    “My Litter of Litigious Pig-lobsters will…sue you?”

  50. Bunny Slippers Says:
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    As one who celebrates Festivas I’d like a minion that can destroy the commercialism and pressure of Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa. Since Vlad (entry #4) doesn’t seem to realize that velociraptors have been extinct for a couple of years now, and Wikipedia says they were the size of turkeys, I’m going to enter a VENOM-SPITTING TURKEY. Throw in some poisonous stuffing and you have one scary holiday icon there!

    See you at the Festivas Pole!

  51. dlawhon Says:
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    And your brilliant entry is…? Ah, I see.

  52. Garrett Says:
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    That’s quite like the mascot for the now-mostly-defunct Nova language schools – a pink rabbit with a bird’s beak. It was and is a very disturbing character.

  53. Garrett Says:
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    But how hard would it be to notice that a draft horse-sized mutant tiger was coming up behind you?

  54. Garrett Says:
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    I’d have obedient cockroaches with hands. What they couldn’t achieve through power, they could achieve through fear as all other minions would be cowering and trying to make some other minion go and kill them. Plus, there would be more of them than even they knew.

    The only drawback would be that I wouldn’t want them in my lair.

  55. Truth is stranger than fiction. Says:
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    My chosen minions would have the head of a neo-conservative and the heart of a neo-conservative. Both vital parts are impervious to attack, and they are fanatically loyal.

  56. gig661 Says:
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    You might have to graft that heart in from a liberal; I wasn’t aware neocons had a heart…..

  57. dlawhon Says:
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    Tigers are masters of sneaky attacks from behind. I am hoping that size doesn’t affect it too much, but, I let you know. Now, if I can just get this scorpion a little closer to this tiger. Besides your minions won’t care if they get eaten anyway.

  58. dlawhon Says:
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    It took you a whole day to decide that the idea sucked? What, did you run through the woods pretending to be chased and decide that evading my minion would be too easy? Or did you try to breed a scorpion and house cat and decide that a tiger would never go for it? =)

  59. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    Hmm, a group of pigs can be called a sounder… so how about a sounder of swimming swine?

  60. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    Just keep the light on.

  61. smodaresi Says:
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    Actually, it’s the fleas on the rats that carry the plaque bacterium, but they could just be an added accessory to your rodent minions! :)

  62. vlad Says:
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    Alright, Bunny Slippers, unlike Anya of Buffy the vampire slayer
    fame, I’m not intimidated by your vicious screen name. I was basing
    my minion upon the Spielberg version of the rapter. I would wager
    that I could recreate a v-rapter about as fast as you could get a
    turkey to mate with a snake. I know your little game, dis the guy
    with the most karma points. I scoff at VENOM-SPITTING TURKEY [said
    with Russian accent]. Oh, I also celebrate that most hallowed of
    holidays.

  63. Garrett Says:
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    . . . your minions won’t care if they get eaten anyway.

    Quite true, which is why my minions are terrible in every sense.

  64. Go Amie Says:
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    I would have giant squid with wings (albatross wings perhaps?) Then they could fiercely attack by air or by sea. Besides they would frighten people just by appearing. A flying giant squid is pretty intimidating, I think.

  65. rahul Says:
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    Ability to work in groups

  66. rahul Says:
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    A flying giant squid is pretty intimidating, I think.

  67. rahul Says:
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    nice

  68. rahul Says:
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    check

  69. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    Cthulhu agrees!

    http://www.summeroflovecraft.com/images/cthulhu-6.jpg

  70. dlawhon Says:
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    Don’t despair, I am sure you can program them to evade attacks with the supercomputers. Although, they’d better be really lightweight computers.

  71. Emily Says:
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    I would have puppies with shark teeth be my minions. They would look sweet and innocent but they would be anything but sweet and innocent. They would also be able to go out in public and not be noticed, at least if they didn’t open their mouths.

  72. Bunny Slippers Says:
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    Vell, Meesta Vlad, I scofe at yorrh exteenkt Velociraptorrh! Even bonny sleepas cahn bee violent!

  73. nolie Says:
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    My minion would be a giant perigrine falcon with the head of a nile crocodile. The perigrine falcon’s mastery is in it’s ability to divebomb it’s prey. Imagine being divebombed by a nile croc’s head with a bite force of 2500 lbs. These would be some serious damage-dealing minions who are also agile enough to get in and out of wherever. Wouldn’t be difficult to travel with. They could also swoop down in groups and pick up these tethers that would lift my chariot up and out across my empire striking terror in the hearts of those who would oppose me.

  74. Jakutz Says:
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    My minions would be kittens with the poison glands of black widows. Kittens are really cute and they can melt your heart with one meow. When you see a kitten, you can’t fight your urge to pick it up and pet it and talk to it like it was your baby. That is why you will die.

  75. Jakutz Says:
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    Rabbits with cow utters. Rabbits reproduce very quickly, and cow utters make a lot of milk. I’d be producing half of the USA’s milk in the first month. I would put everyone else out of business and have myself a monopoly in no time. Today the dairy industry, tomorrow the world.

  76. Jakutz Says:
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    How about sexy women with the vocal chords of fish. Who needs to take over the world when you have hundreds of hotties whose sole purpose is to make you happy. Oh, and fish don’t have vocal chords, I just wanted to eliminate the nagging.

  77. Jakutz Says:
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    What if you had an army of sheep with chinchilla fur instead of wool? Bear with me. Every Friday you could sheer them, take it all down to your basement, and just roll around in it. Oh my God that would be soft!

  78. Lidiya Says:
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    An army of 4 foot long cockroaches that had acid for blood that only I could control.

  79. vlad Says:
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    Ah, you’ve forced my hand, Buny Slippers. I will now tell you
    the complete, scientific reality of dinosaurs. Summer, 1971,
    while working on a demolition crew, I come upon some documents,
    including drawings of a time machine, written by Manny Velikovsky
    and Nick Tesla. Apparently they had spent spring break together
    in the cabin that I was demolishing. Utilizing an old entertainment
    center, some old roofing tin, and an alarm clock that I found at
    the landfill, I proceeded to construct the time machine described
    in the found documents. With a magic marker, I replaced the numbers
    on the clock face with numbers representing millions of years in
    increments of 10 million. Anticipating that I might be exposed to
    unfamiliar diseases or catch cold from exposure to the winds of
    time, I drank half a bottle of Nyquil and took one each of the
    pills in my medicine cabinet, and also a couple of pills that I
    found in a baggie on the side of the road in a bad neighborhood.
    You can never be too cautious. I set the alarm clock to 71 million
    years ago [the approximate mid point of the Dinoscene era for all
    you liberal arts majors] and got in. The journey through time was
    apparently too much for me and I seem to have passed out. When I
    regained consciousness, I exited the time machine and looked
    around. To my surprised, the world looked exactly the same as it
    had in 1971. No dinosaurs, no volcanos, everything exactly the
    same except that the atmosphere seemed to have a purplish hue.
    So, Bunny Slippers, if that’s even your real name, there were no
    dinosaurs. The “fossils” that they find are really props from
    ancient TV shows.

  80. Rudy Says:
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    “Dead-makers”

    My army would be a bunch of oversized (I’m talking- as big as a baseball) horse flies, with the teeth and feeding frenzy of piranhas.

    Even if they didn’t drive you crazy with their incessant buzzing, they would very painfully devour you in a few seconds. Since they are a swarm of small fast moving creatures, they can’t be easily shot down or otherwise destroyed. Also, everyone will know they are coming and run in fear when the sky darkens and they can’t hear their favorite Rick Astley song on their iPod over the noise of my creature’s wings.

  81. Benji Says:
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    The navy could definetly use a pack of venom
    spitting Michael Phelpses. The last thing a
    battleship will expect to see are human beings
    swimming towards them unarmed. They’ll think
    they’re coming to negotiate or surrender and
    when they try to take them prisoner…
    bull’s eye!

  82. Toothpick9 Says:
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    A pack of super cute puppies with mind control pharamones. You release them into a major city, little kids pick them up and bring them home and by the end of the day you have an army of puppy loving zombies willing to do your bidding.

  83. fooly cooly Says:
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    squeak >:3

  84. vlad Says:
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    Just as Mr. paper thought that he had everything covered when scissors
    showed up, your plan has one glaring flaw. Instead of spending
    money on an iPod and Rick Astley [I don't know who that is]downloads
    some of us purchased military surplus m23H1 flamethrowers. Nothing
    like the smell of burning bug wings in the morning.

  85. Gabriel Says:
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    Rick Astley -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI

  86. vlad Says:
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    That’s just cruel. You know I can’t watch videos with my string
    and can connection.

  87. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    SOLE purpose! HA HA HA!

  88. Bunny Slippers Says:
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    This is just the funniest, most bizarre answer! You’ve got my vote if you can answer a few questions:

    1) Only Fridays? Could I do it on a Thursday or a Monday?
    2) Why do I have to take the fur to the basement?
    3) What if I don’t have a basement?

    To my enemies I’ll say, “You’d better back off or next Friday I’m gonna kill ya with my basement full of fur!”

  89. Bunny Slippers Says:
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    “Wouldn’t be difficult to travel with.”

    HA! I can tell YOU haven’t flown the friendly skies recently! I guess your minion could use that bite force to bully his way through the security checks. Of course if you’re still flying in a chariot I suppose Wilbur and Wright haven’t invented the airplane yet and your minion could ride shotgun.

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