Jun 28 2008
Contest #1: Mischievous Time Traveler
Hello and welcome to the inaugural post of MentalMagma.com. This site is for creative people and for people who enjoy the output of creative minds. Mental Magma will host inventive, original, and sometimes bizarre contests at least once a week. The winners (as determined by you, the users) will receive varying cash and prizes. Please read the About Us link above for more general information on this website and its future.
So, let’s get to contest #1: Mischievous Time Traveler. Your first challenge is to imagine you are in possession of a fully-functional time machine. You are charged with the duty of traveling back in time to publicly depants* someone. Nevermind why, you just need to pick a time and a person.
The winner of this contest will be the person who submits the most interesting, compelling, and creative answer. You need to specify the person whose drawers you’d expose and where/when you’d do it. If you like, you can include your rationale and any effects on history your deed would likely have.
For example, you could say that you’d time travel to Superbowl XXXVIII, pants Justin Timberlake (simultaneously with the other wardrobe malfunction) and thus exacerbate the most lascivious event in American history.
You can leave your contest entries by leaving comments on this blog post (click here or on the word contest entries below). Please note that although you don’t have to register to leave comments, you do need to leave a valid email address when filling out your comment so we can contact you if you win, but worry not, we won’t spam you. Also, feel free to comment on other people’s answers. On Friday, the MM staff will choose 5 of the best and most popular answers and put them in a poll for everyone to vote on a winner. On Sunday we’ll announce the entry with the most votes and the author will win this week’s prize: a $25 gift certificate to Amazon.com. The whole process starts over next Monday when we reveal contest #2. I can’t wait.
-Gabriel
*depants: to remove the trousers from someone, often by force or surprise (to be fair to both sexes, let’s also include deskirting in our definition)
Announcement: This contest is closed. Feel free to continue to leave your time-traveling shenanigans here, but you’ll be doing so strictly for our edification. Why don’t you check out the latest update or contest?
June 29th, 2008 at 12:12 am
Write your contest entries here. Also, you can rate other people’s entries by clicking on the thumbs-up or thumbs-down located next to each comment. Good luck to everyone.
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June 29th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I’d depants George W. Bush right as he declared “Mission Accomplished” on that aircraft carrier to expose his little Superman tighty whiteys to the world. I think the impact would be that anyone who didn’t know already would realize how idiotic he was, leading to his defeat in the following presidential election!
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IngShoe reply on July 1st, 2008 7:15 am:
I’m with you on that. I question the end result though; I thought he did plenty during his first four years that would have prevented his reelection. Chances are, those who voted for him would’ve thought he was cute in his big S underpanties. It’d still be worth it though!
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vlad reply on July 1st, 2008 11:27 am:
With all due respect,
bush won his two elections because the nomination process employed
by the opposition party virtually assures that the most radical leftist
candidate will be their nominee. Moderate Democrats like myself, held
their noses, marked bush on the ballot, and went home and took showers.
In the county in which I live, 70% of registered voters are Democrats,
yet 66% of the voters voted against Gore and Kerry. Moderate Democrats
in swing states across the country did likewise. To top it all off,
the DNC decided that, because they didn’t like the date that my state
held its primary, my vote was of no importance and my state’s delegates
would be apportioned at the whim of the party’s leadership, virtually
assuring that Mclame will win Florida. So, no, IngShoe, I don’t think
that he would be cute in his big S underpanties or in any other context
that I can fathom.
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TD reply on July 4th, 2008 6:10 am:
John Kerry and Al Gore are radical leftists?
I think Democratic party is mostly centrist and Republican party is a little, little bit right, but no American party is leftist. Why spending money on poor people or suggesting government programs is “leftist” but spending huge money on companies, which makes a kind of state economic interference, is not? Che Guevara was leftist. Al Gore in center-right by most people’s standard.
DNC said the primary votes wouldn’t count BEFORE Florida scheduled its primary. The election seemed not very fair because two candidates agreed to follow that rule, but only Hillary Clinton decided to spend a lot of advertizing money in Florida. If the penalty is removed, a rule has no meaning and 2012 election campaign will begin too soon. Maybe tomorrow morning! Don’t be angry at DNC, be angry at Florida’s election officials. (I guess there are many reasons to be angry with FLorida’s election officials, right?)
vlad reply on July 5th, 2008 10:03 pm:
Hey, TD, welcome to the party. Where one thinks that the Dems or Reps stand depends largly on where one stands, oneself, in that right left plane. About 40 or so per cent of Americans would agree with me and about the same amount would agree with you. Personally, I think that both parties are a little left leaning and at the same time, I hold some leftist views at which Ted Kennedy would blush. I guess I should learn to ignore all those right wingers like Mark Shields who have said that more liberal Dem candidates have an advantage in the primary. How do you explain the poor showings that Gore , Kerry, and in this year’s primaries, Obama, in rural and blue collar areas. I guess that we could blame the Obama loses to racism, but how about K and G? Social Security, social services, socialized medicine [coming soon], social programs, see the pattern. I don’t oppose all those programs, but let’s call a spade, a spade. If it looks like a duck, has duck in its name, etc. The Socialist Party platform of the 30’s is very similar to the present day Democrat agenda. Maybe by European standards, we are somewhat to the right, but I’m not a European, and, the truth is, I’m not that concerned about European standards. Given their respective histories for the last 1000 years, they don’t have a lot of moral high ground on which to stand if they wish to lecture their younger sibling. I intend no offence to Europeans. Thank you for your contribution to civilization. Oh, and I think that Lenin and Kerry would get along famously. Now that Trotsky, he might be a problem.
As far as party rules are concerned, I don’t give a rat’s behind about party rules, I just showed up on election day and expected my vote to count. The Reps weren’t much better, but at least I would have gotten half a vote [You were to supposed to point that out]. I’m not angry at the DNC, I’ve just given up on the process, subverted as it is to special interest, with little regard to the welfare [see, I can say that word] of the majority of Americans.
Don’t expect me to defend corporate welfare, a spade, remember? And yeah, that’s a little leftist, too, with a smidge of Fascism thrown in.
Have a nice holiday weekend, even if there’s no holiday where you are.,
June 29th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
I’d pants a caveman while he was hunting and just watch his face, because that is one time that you do not want to worry about your dingus being out.
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June 29th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I depant Harvey Oswald just as he prepared to shoot J.F. Kennedy. This would cause him to miss and shoot his wife sitting next to him, instead. Kennedy would go on to marry his vuloptuous mistress, Marylin Monroe, and have her accompany him everwhere in provocative dresses as a way of turning on the audience and ensuring his reelection in 1964. Showing off his sexy wife would have the unexpected and humiliating consequence that men all over the U.S. drool like dogs as soon as they see her, and soon, by classical conditioning, whenever they see J. F. Kennedy. With their testosterone levels high, the American men would feel great, emotionally expansive, aroused, and loving to their wives, causing the population to balloon as fast as in India. To our enemies, we no longer be known as the Great Satan, but as the less combative title of the Drooling Devils.
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June 29th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
I would depants Andy Rooney just as he was about to do yet another episode of “let’s see what we can find in my desk drawer.” The result might be that he would finally quit/be removed from the last three minutes of each “60 Minutes” show (sorry Andy, no hard feelings) and then I and every other viewer wouldn’t have to turn off the show at 57 minutes.
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smodaresi reply on June 30th, 2008 12:12 am:
I think a lot of Americans would agree with this plan!
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Garrett reply on June 30th, 2008 5:06 am:
Even CBS, apparently. The 60 Minutes podcast often cuts off in the middle of Rooney’s latest bit of idiocy.
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June 30th, 2008 at 12:45 am
I would depants Superman so that when he flew in to save the day, he would be wearing only his cape and S shirt. The result would naturally be that all of the little boys who worship Superman would grow up to be pantless half-nudests, associating heroism with pantlessness. Then women, realizing that only the fittest and most heroic men would be pantless, would begin mating with only pantless men. And, thus, the Survival of the Pantless…leading to a society full of pantless people.
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June 30th, 2008 at 4:48 am
I’d pants Jean d’Arc at her final trial. As one of the crimes with which she was charged was transvestitism (?) and she’d already been publicly undressed once to prove her sex (and would just be beating her judges, who forced her to change into a dress, to the punch a bit), the pantsing would achieve nothing other than adding one more humiliation to the process, thereby achieving the ultimate aim of pantsing: pointless embarrassment that usually makes the pantser (in this case me) look just about as silly as the pantsed. It would also add a bit of levity to G.B. Shaw’s play and give him a chance to use his wit in a medieval setting.
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Garrett reply on June 30th, 2008 5:05 am:
And armor! I forgot the armor. Depantsing someone known for wearing armor would show incredible depantsing skill.
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June 30th, 2008 at 5:12 am
I have a second one:
I’d go back in time about 10 seconds and pants one of the students in this class. It would be hilarious. I’d immediately jump back frward 11 seconds, so he’d have no idea what happened.
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June 30th, 2008 at 5:17 am
And a third:
I’d travel back to Germany in 1931 and begin following Hitler. I wouldn’t depants him, though. Instead, I would get up near the stage as he spoke and, when his speeches reached their frothing climax, I’d emphatically pants myself, thereby starting a trend amongst the brownshirts, who would then look so silly that fewer Germans would be swayed by them, Fascist sympathizers abroad would feel less sure about the guy, and Nazi soldiers would spend so much time inefficiently saluting by self-depantsing that they’d be unable to get anything done.
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June 30th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I too would depants Hitler, but for very selfish reasons. I’d like to see the set of cojones it takes to make such, well, crazy speeches in public and the equally small stature of his physical manifestation of an inferiority complex to have such a well spring of hatred towards any one race (particularly a race stereotypically renowned for it’s manhood).
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June 30th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I would go back in time about a day or two and depants Gabriel, the moderator
of this site. I think the act of pulling down his pants at the very moment he
was posting this “time-traveler” contest would make him think twice about
even doing the contest at all (or perhaps he would just immediately declare me
the winner and promptly move on to contest #2).
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June 30th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I would depants Al Gore, right as he accepted the nobel prize. For three reasons. At least then the clip they played over and over again would have been entertaining. And, 20 years from now when he tries to say that he fixed global warming, we can all laugh again. Also, it might have taken that “I’m important and this matters” look off his face.
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dana reply on June 30th, 2008 9:54 pm:
oh seriously, I “believe” in global warming. But, did his video really fix anything. If he really wanted to help he’d run for office again.
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amodaresi reply on July 1st, 2008 3:57 am:
I have to disagree. Al Gore has done an enormous amount to bring the issue of global warming to the attention of the masses, even when it was still incredibly uncool
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vlad reply on July 1st, 2008 12:17 pm:
Yes, and Ted Bundy did an enormous amount to bring the issue of
serial killing to the masses. I don’t mean to pick on the lovely
Modaresi ladies, but my day isn’t going well and my “harsh” filter
seems to have a malfunction. I have to assume that the gentlemen who
invited me to this party expected me to want to play.
Taking advice from Mr. Gore on the environment is like taking advice
from Bill Clinton on marital fidelity, or George Bush on the proper
use of the English language, or Snoop Dog on the dangers of marijuana
use. Much of Mr. Gore’s family fortune was made from strip mining
operations [including Occidental Chemical, one of the most prolific
polluters in history] and the trading of tobacco allotments. He owns
numerous mansions, flies around the world in private jets, and
has a carbon footprint equal to at least 20 average Americans. Many
of the carbon credits that he buys are bought from a company that
is owned by himself and Maurice Strong. In other words, he gives
money to himself to excuse his excesses. It’s like the Pope molesting
10 year old boys and paying an indulgence to the church to atone
for his sin. It’s easy to see the hypocrisy in those with which we
disagree. It’s much more difficult to see in someone with which we
agree.
IngShoe reply on July 1st, 2008 7:05 am:
Actually, although the country was slowly inching towards recognition (with much reluctance) of global warming and our huge role in contributing to environmental problems generally, I think Al Gore brought it to the top of the list with other pertinent issues in America. It was his movie and his Nobel Prize that have enlightened and informed the general public. So, did his video “fix anything”? No. It’s up to you, me and everyone else to fix it. I’d prefer to pat Al Gore on the back and shake his hand, not pants him. But you go for it; it’s a free country! :-)
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admin reply on July 1st, 2008 7:10 am:
Who knew pantsing was the political hot button of the year? I hope Obama and McCain have their pantsing speeches ready. :)
dana reply on July 1st, 2008 11:07 am:
I am a big Al Gore fan. I have read most of his books. However, his video has given lots of confused Oprah fans the misconception that they now understand global warming. Also, CO2 is not the only environmental concern needing everyone’s attention, and Gore knows that. Also, I only pants people I like. I would cuss at George Bush (and he was taken =)), and I couldn’t do anything to a POW, no matter how much I dislike his politics.
IngShoe reply on July 1st, 2008 7:24 pm:
Although I still believe Gore has brought this issue front and center like no one else has, Vlad has a point about the hypocrisy of Gore’s lifestyle. If Al Gore were to set an example of a “green lifestyle” he could put his money where his mouth is. However…. he would also have to go vegetarian…..
*A 2006 United Nations report found that the meat industry produces more greenhouse gases than all the SUVs, cars, trucks, planes, and ships in the world combined. (H. Steinfeld et al., Livestock’s Long Shadow: Environmental Issues and Options, Livestock, Environment and Development (2006).)
*According to Environmental Defense, if every American skipped one meal of chicken per week and substituted vegetarian foods instead, the carbon dioxide savings would be the same as taking more than a half-million cars off U.S. roads.
*The University of Chicago reports that going vegan is 50% more effective than switching to a hybrid car in reducing greenhouse gas emissions.
In other words, the conscientious people who are trying to help reduce global warming simply by driving more fuel-efficient cars and using energy-saving light bulbs would do more simply by going vegetarian. Still, we as fallible humans can only do so much. Al Gore, with all his imperfections, has done more for global warming than most.
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dana reply on July 1st, 2008 8:02 pm:
hmmm, did you learn all that from his video?
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IngShoe reply on July 1st, 2008 11:08 pm:
No. I don’t remember him discussing the vegetarian issue, do you? I’m just a strong believer in doing research on an issue if you want to become knowledgeable about it. People have a tendency to read one article, listen to one speaker, or watch one movie and seem to think that brief exposure has told them all they need to know about a topic. Most issues are far too complex for that. So, I’m no expert, but I’ve always been interested in this topic and read about it all the time.
dana reply on July 2nd, 2008 9:15 am:
ok, not sure the point your making. While you and I have the understanding that research is best, I know many, many who wouldn’t “reasearch” if their lives depended on it. And, had Gore included even one of those tidbits in his video, perhaps I wouldn’t want to depants him. He didn’t, I had to learn them the same way you did, by pouring over articles, newsletters, and environmental sites. Is this because none of the scientists involved knew these things, surely not. The point I still stand by is that he could have given more information and less spin and deserves to have his underwear exposed because he didn’t. Glad we are both researchers, but alas “People have a tendency to read one article, listen to one speaker, or watch one movie and ….” And, it is “people” he was trying to inform.
vlad reply on July 2nd, 2008 11:30 am:
Yes, Al has done at least 20 times as much for global warming than I
have. I suppose it may be the class envy in me that breeds resentment
when I see men who have benefitted greatly from the rape of the earth,
insisting that I should make sacrifices that they, themselves refuse to
make. If Mr. Gore would convert some of his homes to battered womens
shelters or soup kitchens or animal rescue facilities and live like
most of us live or if he didn’t stand to gain great financial rewards
from the promotion of his agenda, then just maybe my opinion of him
would change. Don’t hold your breath on either count.
I think that your and my vision of a perfect world is not that
dissimilar sp?, but the paths to that world go in almost opposite
directions. While you see Mr. Gore as a champion of the environment,
I see him as a power hungry, opportunistic conman and hypocrit of the
lowest order. While you may see the United Nations as a benevolent
organization whose goal is peace and justice throughout the world, I
see, at best, a ham-handed organized crime ring, and at worst, a
collection of, would be, world dictators. We both could provide
sources and net links until the proverbial cows come home to support
our differing world views, but, odds are, I won’t find your sources
reliable and you will be skeptical of mine. Let’s content ourselves to
at least to agree on the what if not on the how. Who would have thought
that “depantsing” could have lead us here.
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dana reply on July 2nd, 2008 12:46 pm:
here, here!
June 30th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I would de-pants Uncle Joe at Yalta. Maybe then, Churchill and Roosevelt
wouldn’t be intimidated to the point of surrendering half of Europe to more
than half a century of enslavement.
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June 30th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I would also like to de-pants Cleopatra. Mostly just for fun and to see what
all the fuss was about.
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June 30th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I would go back to the days of Braveheart and de-pants William Wallace..oh,
wait a minute..never mind.
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amodaresi reply on July 1st, 2008 3:59 am:
Hilarious!!!!!!! I laughed my butt off. I vote for Vlad.
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June 30th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
i’d depants madonna…oh, wait, she’s already done that!
ok, then make it…MC Hammer, cause let’s face it, nobody needed to start that trend!
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June 30th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
I’d depants the chief eunuch under Emperor Qing - what a sight to behold!
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June 30th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
If I was audited by the IRS, I would love to go back in time until just before he tells me to sell my firstborn and depants him/her, snap a picture and start yelling “sexual harrassment!” at the top of my lungs. He/She might actually give me a bigger refund!!
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July 1st, 2008 at 11:51 am
If I had a time machine, I’d pants my grandfather at the moment he met my grandmother, embarrassing him and causing my grandmother to eschew him. This would mean that I would never be born, which would mean that I would be unable to go back in time, which would mean I couldn’t prevent them from getting together, which would mean…
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July 1st, 2008 at 5:35 pm
If I could go back in time, I would pants my father when I was a baby. I’d give him some nice long shot odds winners to bet big on, then some great stock investments to invest that money in. That would make me a silver spoon baby
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Gabriel reply on July 1st, 2008 10:11 pm:
Hey, no doing any business except your depantsing mission. I change my answer to I go back in time and pants you right as you pants your dad. Your dad won’t listen to the crazy underwear man shouting investment opportunities and bets at him. The timeline is restored.
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July 1st, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Man I would have gotten away with it, if not for you meddling kids. Hey I do like your person you pants so, my vote’s for you.
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July 2nd, 2008 at 11:16 am
I would depants Gandhi during his hunger strike, not because I have any particular animosity, but because out of all these entries, he is the only one who would then be left totally naked….
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July 2nd, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I depant George W. Bush to determine if he really pads his crotch to look Texas-manly, as the theory goes since he projected enormous manhood in a pilot suit as he stood on a battleship a few years ago to pronounce the end of the Iraq war hostilities. I predict that we will find no front-padding but that he is wearing a diaper. This will lead to the serendipitous explanation of why he is so infantile stupid.
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July 4th, 2008 at 5:41 am
すごいこれ! お前のサイトがかっこいい。メンタルマグマを読むと頭が良くなると思う。ゲーブくん、頑張って下さい。
I depants former Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi when he ride a Segway. Then Bush is only tied for most embarrassing Segway moment and there is a competition between Koizumi’s no-pants and his hair for fame.
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July 4th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I would go back and depants Herbert Morrison, the reporter at the Hindenburg Disaster. That situation was very tense, and I think a little depanting could have lightened the mood a bit. “Oh the humanity, the human… huh! HA HA HA he depanted me! What a rascal.”
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July 4th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
It’s too late now, but I have a parting shot:
I’d depants Chester A. Arthur at the moment he was sworn in, thereby doubling his fame over a century later. It would be the defining moment of his life & career by 2008.
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July 5th, 2008 at 1:47 am
I’d depants Hitler when he was making a speech.
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