Sep 08 2008

Contest #11: Fictional Factional Movie Pitch

Category: Uncategorized @ 12:05 am

pic by flickr user tirrell

If television & movies have taught us anything it’s that Aliens hate Predators, werewolves hate vampires, and Springfield hates Shelbyville. The internet also is a great teacher on this subject. I had no idea about the vicious emnity between pirates and ninjas until an application on facebook alerted me. We decided Mental Magma needed to get in on this game.

This contest is to pitch a movie about a fictional rivalry between two factions of your choice. There are two guidelines. The first is that you must remember this is a pitch; you have to sell your movie and what would be interesting about it. You can mention who would star in it, what the plotlines would be, or whatever you want. The second guideline is that it must be a FICTIONAL rivalry, we’re not interested in a Shia versus Sunni movie this week. We are interested in a Bowlers vs Badmintoners.

Please leave your answer in the Contest Entries section. Standard contest timeline and contest rules apply. By leaving an entry you are agreeing to those rules. The entry voted the favorite by MM users will earn its author a $25 Gift Certificate.

Contest Summary
: Pitch a movie about a fictional factional rivalry.
How to enter: Write your entry in the Contest Entries section.
Deadline: Friday, September 12th at 5pm EST
Prize: A $25 Gift Certificate.

Announcement: This contest is closed. Feel free to continue to leave your answers here, but you'll be doing so strictly for our edification. Why don't you check out the latest update or contest?

97 Responses to “Contest #11: Fictional Factional Movie Pitch”

  1. Ms. Sanchez Says:
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    Cheata-rex-asourus vs. poisonous kittens.

    All animals are in a jungle of sorts. A t-rex-asourus, tramps om the kittens ground. the kittens begin to plot for revenge. they’re too small to attack this large and fast beast. so they call upon other minions. these minions include flying elephants that drop peanuts on the Rex. proceeding to knock this massive beast out. then the kittens take revenge my spraying poisonous liquid on the Rex. Also coming to the kittens aid are the teddy bear hamsters. they may be cute and cuddly but these little guys can easily tear apart their prey.

    Actors: no need for actors seeing as how this is purely animal against animal. it would be all computer animated.

  2. greg Says:
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    …they were a short people of a girth equal to their height, with red noses, silly shoes, and hearts of gold. They rise to the annual challenge of making gifts for the children of the world.
    Two races. Two purposes. Both called “Elves.”
    On one side, the indignity of being equated with a dwarf-like race of toy-makers is too much to bear, and the Elves of Middle Earth are streaming back across the waters to set things aright.
    [MUSIC-add drums]
    The North Pole Elves are ready. In their Peppermint Fortress surrounded by Christmas Tree Forest and Plum Pudding Moat, the boys and girls of winter are ready to prove that they are more than toy-makers and an occasional dentist.
    [MUSIC-full orchestra]
    Two cultures. Two traditions. In the end, only one will rise from the ashes of war. Only one will be strong enough to be able to call itself by that singular title. Forget the One Ring, this is the One Name. When the smoke clears, the world will finally know which side can be called…



    Christmas, 2009

  3. greg Says:
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    Now wait a second…this part is missing from the beginning of the above entry…it makes a difference, I think.

    They were proud warriors who had withstood the test of Sauron at the very gates of Mordor.

  4. Jakutz Says:
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    A distant planet called Spars is invaded by people from the planet Purs. The only known path between Spars and Purs is a narrow wormhole called Thermalpoly (named after it’s many temperature fluctuations). The King of Spars takes a small army of only 300 Sparsians to defend themselves against the millions of Pursians. What the Pursians don’t know is that the Sparsians are the most badass warriors in the whole galaxy, having already beaten the crap out of the other Greex (People from Greez, the solar system where the Sparsians live). Both sides use only lasers and other energy weapons. Here comes the twist: Right before the battle begins, the EM pulse from a Supernova renders all of their weapons completely useless. Both sides are forced to use primitive weapons like swords, spears, and bows that happened to be in a cargo bay. This does not even phase the Sparsians who still plan to “Give them nothing, but take from the everything!”

    We’ll see if we can get Gerard Butler to star in it.

  5. Jakutz Says:
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  6. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    Oh, YES.

  7. Mrs. Sara Says:
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    Tonight we dine in Hale!

  8. Ms. Sanchez Says:
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    wow, sorry guys, there’s a few spelling mistakes in my pitch. but alas, we are not voted upon by spelling! yay!! hehe

  9. Ms. Sanchez Says:
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    hahahahahaha! love it.

  10. Jakutz Says:
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    Definitely amazing. Have you talked to Hollywood yet?

  11. Jakutz Says:
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    Since the beginning of time, cats have hated water. Tension has grown, hatred has brewed, and finally they have HAD ENOUGH. The cats of the world have united to defeat their ancient enemy. They will destroy every molecule of water on Earth! First, they must freeze the water so it can’t run. Second, the water must be gathered in one place. And third… they’ll incinerate every last drop! The cats achieve victory, and dance in the streets. It was all so easy… too easy? Just when the cats let their guard down, water sends reinforcements.

    From the makers of the Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, comes a thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat…

    [cue lightning]

    Rain Dance
    (rated R)

  12. R.E.D. Says:
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    When the cats freeze all the water, have them store it at the North Pole. But we have to do something about the, incinerating every last drop part, so tell them we’ll give them all the catnip in the world if they won’t do it. There, Global warming solved! The cat’s are heros and get stoned out of their minds and someone invents a waterproof something to spray on the cat’s fur so they never have to worry about water again.

  13. Sherry Baker Says:
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    Before I start… I want to say, yes I know it’s supposed to be fictional… but this was just too damn funny not to post… so vote for it or not… please enjoy the giggle before getting back to your regularly scheduled contest…

    And may George Lucas forgive me…


    …. In a world with two platforms constantly vying for superiority…

    “Hello I’m a Mac…”

    ::shows Mac guy with a pale blue light saber doing battle with…::

    “…And I’m a PC…”

    …. port to port, deciding once and for all where the GUI truth lies…”

    ::shot of PC guy defending admirably with a pale green light saber::

    ….. But following the path of Light isn’t about how much your laptop weighs…

    :: continuing to beat the crap out of each other ::

    ….. and the Dark side isn’t about the size of your hard drive…

    ::slow low to high shot of Bill Gates, in a dark helmet… chuckling as he watches the two computer guys duel::

    Voiceover:: … It’s about the size of your ego!

    Bill: “PC… I am your father…”

    PC: “NoooooooOoooooOOooo!”

    PC falls hanging from a single USB cord… and his fingers are slipping. In the distance soars iMac Titanium Falcon, stopping and hovering just beneath him. Apple guy appears with hand outstretched…

    Mac: “Quick, take my hand”
    PC: “I’ll never join you!”
    Mac: “But together we can beat him!”

    ::montage of action scenes of light saber battles and various space dogfights::

    …. After years of fighting, Mac and PC join and become a Force to Destroy the Evil Empire…

    ::closeup of Mac::

    Mac: “I have a bad feeling about this…”

    :: closeup of PC::

    PC: “What is that? A small moon… no… it’s a…”

    ::pan beyond PC to see… A VISTA logo!::

    Evil Emperor Bill: (chuckling) “They have yet to discover the true power of this FULLY OPERATIONAL operating system…”

    ::sound of a scratched record::

    PC (flippantly) : “Yeah, like I haven’t heard *that* before…”

    :: super explosion, lots of rings and glowy colors… then silence ::

    Coming soon to an operating system near you.

    (rated E for everyone.)

  14. Gabriel Says:
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    About your preface, this is fine; we mentioned “fictional” to eliminate real-world groups that are currently or were historically involved in actual violent conflict.

  15. Sherry Baker Says:
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    yay! Thanks Gabriel :)
    (oh and for anyone feeling left out because I didn’t mention the Linux Troopers… they have started work on the sequel, “Emperor’s March of the Penquins.”)

  16. Jakutz Says:
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    Hey, awesome entry!

  17. R.E.D. Says:
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    The Last Smile

    An alien “smiley” face comes to Earth from the planet, Doldrum. The Doldrumers hate smiling and laughter. So, when a unique wormhole in space funneled the sound of earth’s laughter to the planet Doldrum at the exact moment the Exalted Ruler steped into the shower the Exalted Ruler wraped himself in a towel and declared war on Earth!

    When they got to Earth, the Doldrumians sought refuge in the only place they wouldn’t be noticed, Wal-Mart. When they invaded, the Doldrumians were confronted by the Price Dropping Smiley Faces. The Desperate Disgruntled Doldrumians depressed de Demilitzer From The Fourth Demenision’s activation switch!! All the Smiley Faces were instantly transported to the fourth deminsion and it was there that a battle ensued.

    Blood!! Gore!!(not Al) Destruction!!

    After they had destroyed “all” of the Price Dropping Smiley Faces the Despicable Doldrumian Destroyers depressed de Demilitzer From The Fourth Deminsion’s deactivation switch and they were transported back to Earth. Once there they took their places on the price signs and dropped all the prices so low that everyone in the whole world couldn’t resist! As each doomed shopper passed near a price sign, the Devious Dexterious Doldrumians dropped the Dust Of Destruction upon the happy, unaware, shoppers. When everyone was dusted the Delighted Doldrumians activated the Dust Of Destruction and everyone in the world started destroying every smiley face in existence. (Except, of course, the Doldrumians who were immune to the effects of the Dust Of Destruction.)

    The Deliriously Delighted Doldrumians realized that they were happy and smiling so they instantly commited suicide.

    Cut to a full screen shot of the empty Wal-Mart and as the credits roll, we see the lone surviving Smiley Face walk toward us down the empty rows. His name is Legend.

  18. Sherry Baker Says:
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    No kidding. That could be a real movie!

  19. Jaybear Says:
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    These are all so good that my mind actually is drawing a

  20. greg Says:
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    In this corner, from 1313 Mockingbird Lane, we have the tallest, greenest, most polite, perhaps slightly effeminate monster to ever open a door and scare your hair off”¦Herman Munster!

    And his opponent, daring to open another door at 1313—this time on Cemetery Lane, this tall, dark, and dusky doorman with the huge emotional range and the monosyllabic delivery won’t deny that of course the butler did it! Everyone else in the house is too lazy, busy, or nutty to take responsibility. It’s Lurch!

    The stage is set.


    Lurch Versus Herman

    The implications are scary.

    The reality less so.

    Will they fight?

    We hope to God they do something.


    Lurch Versus Herman

    If only to take care of this address thing.


    Their number’s up.

    (snap snap)

    This time, it’s postal.

  21. greg Says:
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    (Here’s a short one.)

    The Brady family.
    The Osbourne family.
    Family Feud, the Movie.
    Reality television just outgrew the box it came in”¦
    Remember when the Brady kids had a fight and someone complained about their head being “bitten off?” Yeah, well, let’s just say that the Osbourne kids don’t use hyperbole.

  22. greg Says:
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    Thanks, guys, but that’s a really sad commentary on the movies people are making today…

  23. greg Says:
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    To promote the movie, we could have the families switch houses for 48 hours for an episode of TRADING SPACES!

  24. Sherry Baker Says:
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    Gosh Greg… you are coming up with so many cute ones, you are going to end up splintering your own vote! :)

  25. Sherry Baker Says:
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    I don’t think it would be “Another Teen Movie” *Bad* or “I think I love my Wife” *bad*…

    It would actually be funny as hell… in a “Robot Chicken” kind of way. I could even see Seth Green directing it. :)

  26. greg Says:
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    It would be a fun script to write, wouldn’t it?

  27. Sherry Baker Says:
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    I’d help… but I don’t think the audience could take the pun-ishment. ;)

  28. IngShoe Says:
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    Movie title: The Java Confrontation

    Opposing Forces:
    * the Caffinators
    * the Decaffinators

    Main Characters:
    * Alan Rickman as Master of the Caffinators
    * Viggo Mortensen as King of the Decaffinators

    Set Up:
    This conflict occurs on planet Earth in the not so distant future, approximately 2018. Oil and water reserves are no longer issues as scientific advances have developed eco-renewable energy and perfected methods for sanitizing reusable water. Humans are now plagued by a rogue group of nasty characters who refuse to give up their addiction to caffeine.

    Plot Basics:
    Mortensen, King of the Decaffinators, tires of the terrors of living in a world where caffeine-crazed ruffians frighten and intimidate the gentle, calm citizens living their Zen-like lives. He gathers his Decaffinator Army, strategizes with his officers, and readies the weapons for the battle. Little does he know that one of his officers (played by Steve Buscemi) is actually a closet coffee addict and rats him out to…
    … Rickman. Rickman snarls at his Caffinator Minions in the below-ground bunkers (outfitted with coffee vending machines) that he’s sick and tired of the goodie-two-shoes King always making judgements against their lifestyle. He gives a satanic and inspiring speech about the freedoms they will lose if they don’t kill off the Decaffinators once and for all. Soon the minions are making espresso-filled BB’s, infiltrating the public water supply with Red Bull, stealing the decaf green tea bags out of the shops, replacing the incense sticks with cocoa sticks, etc..

    The Battles:
    The Decaffinators are better at calm, clear-headed, step-by-step, “in the moment” strategies. With one caffeine-removing maneuver they can induce in the enemy a withdrawal headache bad enough to bring them to their knees. But the Caffinators are agitated, irritable, and energized by their beloved and have the power and desperation only an addict can possess.

    Musical Score:
    Howard Shore, composer for Lord Of The Rings

  29. ZABO Says:
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    With the recent rise of atheism, and the ever growing fields of science, the great religions of the world all have gathered secretly to plot to retake the hearts of the world…

    {scene of wide, circular council chambers carved of stone}

    For the first time in unknowable years, all the worlds religious conflicts and differences are put aside in an age of peaceful zeal.

    {dirt streets of India, with missionaries building homes and stringing electrical wire}
    {flash to the streets of New York, with taxis stopping politely for pedestrians}

    But in the depths of their minds, each man feels that he hears the slightest, distant rumble of thunder…

    {shot up from city sidewalk as people stop to look up at gathering clouds and sheet lightning}
    {fade to black}

    While the surface of the Earth has become a peaceful missionary haven for religious thought, the heavens have become a warzone, with the battle for humanities souls thrown wide open to all comers. The Earth cannot long be safe from…


    {a red-bearded Thor reaches out from the clouds previously seen, and hurls his hammer at Hermes, who is passing by. Seeing him fall, the flaming chariot that chases him turns, and a seven-armed, two faced man wielding an axe, a flaming spear, and a torch becomes visible. Agni briefly nods at Thor before hurling his spear at Poseidon, missing him, but evaporating several sea-nymphs. Poseidon turns in anger, but is quickly distracted by the grizzled, one-eyed visage of Odin, who speeds by on his eight legged horse, and thrusts his spear at Sekhmet, the lion-headed warrior, but she manages to dodge, only receiving a scratch.}
    {fade to black}

    So many gods, so much power…
    Shifting alliances, tenuous victories…

    With the souls of the world at stake, will the battle end before Earth’s mortals end up among the fallen?

    {thunderclap is heard, and screen flashes to white, showing release information.}

  30. ZABO Says:
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    Years of political covers and judicial “foul-ups” have kept one of the bloodiest gang wars in the history of Chicago from seeing the light of mainstream media attention.

    One woman is about to change all that.

    {cut to scene of a reporter following a suit with a heavy Chicago accent into a government building. the suit’s face is blurred out}

    Suit: Yeah, every civil servant in the city knows about the brooms and the keymen; we’re all just smart enough to pretend we don’t.
    Reporter: “Brooms”, “Keymen”?
    Suit: Yeah, you know, the locksmiths, the streetsweepers.
    Reporter: Do they have some kind of organization, some kind of leaders?
    {suit stops and turns}
    Suit: They’re real secret, nobody knows much, but I’ve heard about this girl lately…

    {fast cut to blank screen, and letters in a bolted steelwork design pound into the screen}


    {cut to a closeup of a beautiful brunette}

    Brunette: It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.

    {flash to zoomed-out view, she is walking across the street to a streetsweeper, behind her is a shop with a rolling steel gate down. she is wearing dirty, bright red cover-alls. she gets one foot up on the vehicle, glances back and tosses her hair, then climbs in. the sweeper pulls slowly away and a shot of the inside shows her using a compact mirror to apply lipstick. behind her, the shop gate is blown across the street as the shop erupts with flames.}
    {cut to a pair of boots sticking out of the burning rubble with a key-shaped sign lying on the legs, flickering. the rest of the body is obscured by the rubble.}

    “Kate Vixen: Cleaning up the streets”
    Opening Friday in theaters near you.

    {quickly cuts to a short shot of an old cop standing at the scene, chomping on a cigar}

    Cop: Now that’s the kind of girl *I* like!

    {cop laughs deeply and slaps and awkward looking younger cop on the back}

  31. Jakutz Says:
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    nice touch at the end

  32. SomeGuyNamedDoug Says:
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    Physics Professors vs English Professors the Movie

    Physic Professors: “You only exist to make more of yourself! You’re no different than zombies or vampires! By Newton’s blood, I swear your plague on mankind ends tonight!”

    English Professors: “I say, good sir, how rude!”

    This is the story of an intra-campus conflict so large it makes the Large Hadron Collider look like a Salad Shooter.

  33. Ian Randal Strock Says:
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    It’s Shia (LaBeouf) vs. Sunny (von Bulow) in the ultimate smack-down for
    control of the western world. There’s a new gang in town, and they’re
    taking over leadership of every terror cell they can find… if only they
    can decide on the best way to carry out their nefarious plans: car crashes
    or drug overdoses. Life has never been more precarious.

  34. Ian Randal Strock Says:
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    You got peanut butter in my chocolate! It tastes great!

    You got chocolate on my peanut butter! It’s less filling!

    Will snack-time ever be the same after Reeses and Bud tangle in…

    “With the right slogan, no one will notice the actual product”

  35. R.E.D. Says:
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    How about, “It’s better coming up than it was going down!”?

    In fact I think that would make a great T-shirt:
    Chocolate, peanut butter and beer,
    “It’s better coming up than it was going down!”

  36. Jakutz Says:
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    oops, that was supposed to be a comment on 13.

  37. Jakutz Says:
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    {Shot of a group of men stopped in the street by a gang. Each is forced to the ground and one by one their pants are pulled down to their knees. After a couple of seconds, about half are helped up after the humiliation; the other half get a few gunshots in the back. Finally, the last man is depanted.}

    Gangster: “Looks like today isn’t your lucky day, brother”
    {The gangster cocks his 9mm and points it at the man}
    Man: “What did I do to deserve this? What makes you think you can choose to end my life?”
    Gangster: “I’m not choosing. You made the decision this morning when you got out of the shower.”
    Man: “What do you mean?”
    Gangster: “…Briefs.”
    {Camera shot from far away. A gunshot cracks through the silent city air.}

    Narrator: In a world corrupted by intolerance, men will die in the streets over trivial undergarment preferences. Innocent lives are lost while factions fight for control of the city.

    {A new scene begins at the Boxer’s headquarters. The boss is talking to his top men at a long conference table. Someone knocks at the door, but the boss ignores it and keeps talking. They knock again… and a third time. The boss turns to face the door.}

    Boss: “WHAT?!
    {A young man opens the door and nervously enters the room}
    Assistant: “Uh, s-s-sorry s-sir.”
    Boss: “I thought I told you that I didn’t want to be interrupted!”
    Assistant: “Uh, yes. Yes you did sir, but..”
    Boss: “Well you better have a damn good reason to come barging in here in the middle of the meeting.”
    Assistant: “Yes… The fourth battalion, sir. They’re all… dead, sir”
    Boss: “Dead? Who could have killed an entire batt…”
    {A look of fear washes all expression from the boss’s face. He opens his mouth to speak, but he’s so quiet it’s almost a whisper}
    Boss: “The Day Walker…”
    {fades to black}

    Narrator: Hard times call for a hero. An ordinary man will become more more than a man: a defender, a symbol, a legend.
    {Badass music begins}

    {cuts to the Brief’s headquarters where their boss has just heard similar news about part of his army}
    Brief Boss: “They say he has all of our strengths.”
    {cuts back to Boxer’s headquarters (switches back and forth)}
    Boxer Boss: “And none of our weaknesses.”
    Brief Boss: “With the freedom of boxers.”
    Boxer Boss: “And the support of briefs.”
    {cuts to shots of dead Boxers and Briefs lying in the road, blood everywhere. Fades to black}

    Narrator: If you thought 300 was good, you’re going to shit your pants.
    {music picks up as we see a collage of shots of the hero fighting and rescuing people. Each shot is shorter than the last until there’s a bunch of tenth of a second shots where you can’t even tell what’s going on. The screen goes black and the music stops. The following words fade in:

    A Brief Existence: The Boxer Rebellion
    {Screen goes black}

    Narrator: Everyone needs a little help sometimes.
    {shot of a shirtless man with hands raised. He’s surrounded by gangsters who are all pointing machine guns at him.}

    Ganster in front: “Boxers or Briefs?”
    Man: “…Neither.”
    {with one hand he pulls off his belt. His shorts fall to the floor, revealing his naked body}
    Gangster in front: “COMMANDO!”
    {machine guns start going off and one guy is on his radio calling for backup. The gunfire is silenced and all you can see and hear is the guy on the radio}
    Radio Guy: “We’ve got a commando down here! We need reinforcements!”
    Radio: “What is your location?”
    {The Radio Guy stands silently and still}
    Radio: “Repeat. What is your location?”
    {The Radio Guy drops to his knees, then flat on his face. The commando is standing behind him. We can only assume that he ripped part of Radio Guy’s spine out because there is blood everywhere. The shot is low so you can only see the commando’s boots. He slowly steps over Radio Guy and picks up the radio which is right in front of the camera.}
    Radio: “Bravo, repeat. What is your location.”
    {The commando calmly looks at the street signs on the corner.}
    Commando: “Fourth and Broadway.”
    Radio: “… Squads Charlie and Foxtrot are converging on your location.”
    {The commando smiles and drops the radio. He cracks his knuckles. Fades to black.}

    November, 2009

  38. Jakutz Says:
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    Wow. That turned out to be long.

  39. Jakutz Says:
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    Oh, and I hinted, but I didn’t mention that the Day Walker wears boxer briefs.

  40. greg Says:
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    I know that I’ll probably come across sounding like a sap, but “to thine ownself…” Here goes.

    As I started to write a new silly faction fiction, I realized that it’s just barely the seventh anniversary of an event that, regardless of who you blame for it, changed the way I and many people see the world. I miss actually believing that some things really are “unthinkable” and so “undoable”…even though I know I never had the right to believe that. Children around the world don’t have that luxury–why should I? Yet I never summoned the courage to accept that the opposite was true.

    Anyway, if there is a point for me to make, it’s this. I remember people wanting the horror of 9/11/01 to be allowed to fade away and for everyone to just stop talking about it very soon after it happened, and while I understood there feelings, that crater in New York was still smoking and people were still being pulled out. It’s a wound in me that I can still pick at until it bleeds again. Maybe I’m too sympathetic…or empathetic…or just pathetic. But for me, I’m going to remember the strangers we cried for, the pain and anger we shared, and that weird way that you knew what everyone you passed on the street was thinking for a while. I still feel like it’s the least I can do, even if it means nothing to anyone else.

    So, except for this note which might get me booed off the blog (I’ll miss you if it does), my silence is all I have to really offer the memory of the day I guess I grew up.

    Forgive my misuse of this space if that is indeed how it is perceived. I mean only to recall the day, not the politics and all tha has happened since. I am going to finally shut up.


  41. greg Says:
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    Oh, my word…I wrote “there feelings” instead of “their feelings.”
    I await my caning tomorrow. Sorry, worthy users of the language.

  42. Jakutz Says:
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    Boo. I’m just kidding – That was actually very nice.

  43. vlad Says:
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    Rock Star Wars: A Septilogy

    Rock Star Wars I: The Messiah Arises

    Fresh from his recent conquest over that most vicious of adversaries, The Hildebeast,
    B-Rock sets his sights on an enfeebled and poorly armed J-Mac, unlikely champion of the opposing forces. Total victory seems to be in B-Rocks grasp.

    Rock Star Wars II: New Moon Rising

    Just as it appears that B-Rock is destined to become King of the World, J-Mac’s Second, The Huntress, steps up to fight in J-Mac’s stead. B-Rock smirks with confidence as he prepares to dispatch this little-known usurper.

    Rock Star Wars III: Rallying Cry

    Employing battle cries of, “I believe”, “I’m just like you”, and “I’m a hunter” The Huntress reinvigorates her previously demoralized troops.

    Rock Star Wars IV: Engage

    B-Rock’s forces open the battle with volleys of “Your daughter is knocked up”, and “Your youngest child is not yours”. These projectiles fall harmlessly to the ground serving only to increase the fervor of The Huntress’ troops.
    B-Rock distances himself from these assaults claiming that they are the actions of pro-B-Rock partisans not under his control.

    Rock Star Wars V: Sympathy

    B-Rock goes on the offensive and fires off salients of “I was on food stamps” “My father abandoned me” and “I’m half black”.
    The Huntress counters with “I’m a soccer mom”, I’m married to a minority” and “I have a special needs child”.

    Rock Star Wars VI: Stalemate

    B-Rock is frustrated that he is unable to pierce The Huntress’ armor and, desperate, searches his arsenal for that most dreaded of weapons, the race card [banned by the Geneva Convention], but comes up short, having previously depleted his stores of this weapon in his epic battle with The Hildebeast. He now begins to regret that he didn’t make The Hildebeast his Second.

    Rock Star Wars VII: Trench Warfare

    Like the staccato of machine-gun fire, The Huntress’ forces fill the air with “Community organizer”,”Nutjob minister”, “Tony Rezko” and “You called me a pig”.
    B-Rock troops retaliate with equally rapid-fire,”Small town mayor”, “Bridge to nowhere”, and “What about the issues?”[This last weapon, while used with some success in previous conflicts, seems to be ineffective in 21st Century warfare.]

    The fate of the world hangs in the balance.

  44. vlad Says:
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    Greg, I empathize with the sentiments expressed in your post. Although the
    events of which you speak came as no surprise to me, I recall the tears in
    my eyes as I watched the replay after I had arrived home that day. That day
    didn’t change the way that I see the world. That day reinforced what I already
    knew. The only surprise for me on that day was the small scope of the attack.
    I expected much, much more. I can’t allow myself to dwell on the past, but
    to focus on the future. Gird your loins, Greg, the 21st century is going to
    be a wild ride.

  45. cindy5159 Says:
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    The movie opens on a deserted island where a rapper and a rocker have been marooned. They set up shelter on different sides of the island.they both hate each others music so they have decided that they cannot live together.
    the movie will show what contempt they have for the others music.At the end of the movie natives will capture each of the men. They explain why they are on opposite sides of the island so the natives listen to each of their music and decide they don’t like either of their music and they eat em.

  46. shameless Says:
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    I think what greg really meant to say about that fateful day was:

    …too soon?”

    (for all [justifiably] offended, please replace the word “PLANES” with “OCEAN LINERS” and “TOWERS” with “ICEBERGS”).

  47. greg Says:
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    Hi, vlad, surprise wasn’t exactly the feeling I had either. It was more like a sense of “so this is what it’s like to live in a world where everyone is a reachable target.” In WWII, Altoona, PA was a Nazi target, but they couldn’t get here. As I was growing up, the threat of nuke-bearing ICBMs being launched was quite real, but so was the equal and opposite fear that kept them from being launched. I don’t know that expectations had a lot to do with the shocking reality of seeing those towers fall. It’s like something has to give so that the confirmaton of our fears can move in. I think a lot of “knew” the world was the way it is, and knowing that, we chose not to live on the edge and instead had to decide whether to live on the hopeful side or the resigned side (specifically NOT “optomistic” vs “pessimistic”). I don’t regret having a few years of hope under my belt. I’m just a little more out of shape than you are!

    I’d love to go into the scope of the attack, but I respectfully await the discussin forum I understand is on the way…

    Thanks for caring!

    My loins join the rest of my armored self in remembering the past, aiming for the future, and living in the present.


  48. greg Says:
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    (I join Ms. Sanchez in celebrating the lack of an editor who strikes us down for sloppy spelling, missed words, and off-center usage. Allow me to apologize again even as I wallow in my own editorial laziness.)

  49. greg Says:
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    That wasn’t it.
    Guess again.

  50. shameless Says:
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    I grew up when the Cold War was “over” (I personally think it was more of a recess), but I still had many nightmares about nuclear war. I knew that no one was making real attempts to disarm (and that even if they did weapons markets and the collapse of the USSR were such that some of them would end up in hands that would use them). For me it wasn’t only that 9/11 revealed we could all be the collateral damage of those trying to send a message of violence, but that it couldn’t matter less who you were or what you’d done for the world if you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (how many Goethes, how many Martin Luther Kings will die in terrorist attacks by happenstance?) To me the real significance of the day was in driving home the point that there’s no more room for neutrality or ignorance about how our policies and actions affect parts of the world we ignore (naturally, the actions incurred our wrath and an opportunistic invasion/continuing occupation rather than our desire to understand underlying causes, but I doubt very many people would have expected or been satisfied with anything else).

  51. greg Says:
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    In the search for satisfaction we ended up settling for gratification and the attendant remorse that comes with a cheap and easy screwing.

    (So much for trying to wax poetic about it…)

  52. greg Says:
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    Did I say cheap? I meant that in the sense of the wasting of humanity and the cheapening of the species…certainly not dollars.

  53. vlad Says:
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    Glad you’re back, Greg. Shameless, I grew up in the hottest era of the
    cold war. I remember the night LBJ gave his Gulf of Tonkin speech and
    going outside to listen for the missiles. I wasn’t exactly sure what it
    meant, but I knew it wasn’t good. We did the “duck and cover” drills in
    school and I was pretty sure at age 12 that I would die in a rice paddy
    in southeast Asia. Riots every other weekend and body counts on the 6
    o’clock news. The upside is that I’m pretty much mentally prepared
    for anything.

  54. vlad Says:
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    I know that this is not the right place to put this but half of our gas
    stations ran out of gas today. It might be wise to top up. Sorry for the
    intrusion, Ms. Sanchez, but I couldn’t find a public service announcements

  55. greg Says:
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    Yep. I was too young to be in the lottery, but old enough to wonder where my war would be. Remember the fall-out shelter signs in school? Brrr.

  56. vlad Says:
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    Our school was too small to have a fallout shelter. We were told to get
    under our desks and put our hands over our heads. We lived about 6 miles
    from some Titan II launchers.

  57. greg Says:
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    Oh, so your instructions were of the “kiss your butt goodbye” variety. Good times….good times. Wow.

  58. vlad Says:
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    Exactly. They even showed us filmstrips on a reel to reel of American GIs 1 mile away from the test warheads detonated out in New Mexico or Nevada. The pulse knocked some of them down but the ones in the trenchs just got their caps blown off. Good times is right. One of the reasons that I believe absolutely .00 of what the “authorities” tell me.

  59. gig Says:
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    My absolute favorite line of this lengthy Wagnerian opus is the What about the issues line having been used with some success in previous conflicts and it being ineffective in 21st century warfare. Kudos.

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